Anxiety Issues

Since Husband and I have been talking with someone about our issues for a few weeks, I can really notice my own anxiety level.

Not that it's significantly different due to the talking, just that I've become much more aware of it ... and how constant, pervasive, and intrusive it is.

I know one of the reasons my sister smokes is to calm her anxiety. I would certainly drink more to calm mine if it weren't for that whole not-able-to-function thing, both day-of and, now that I'm in my 40s, the whole day-after thing. I've made an appointment with my MD for a prescription for Zoloft-- legal and (we think) non-deadly -- but my appointment is mid-June (and, I have to move it because I picked a day with a conflict that just hadn't been put on the schedule yet).

How do I call back and explain that I'm counting down the days till I can see her and get a new prescription? It's been a couple of years so I understand I need a whole physical, but do I need to keep feeling like this in the meantime, now that I know I need it??

I only went off the medication when we were unemployed and since I was feeling so good (classic, right?), all I could think of was, $1 a pill!

Now we're self-employed. That's different. And we're both home together. I need backup.

Happy Surprise Morning!

DuckyBoy said the cutest thing at 6 am one day this weekend:

"Happy Surprise Morning!"

What he got back was a grumpy grumble from his father. So he ran off to watch TV, which is what he would have done regardless.

Granted, it was 6 am and a chirpy (fairly loud) awakening was a bit abrupt, but he was so adorably HAPPY that, after a couple minutes of mental dithering, I got up and hugged him and told him he made my day by saying what he said.

And you know what he said? "Thanks."

The kid who never seems grateful for anything -- said "thanks."

I think I did the right thing.

And he told me he was surprised that it was morning -- so he must have slept well.
First night as the owner of this cool bike could do it!

Personal Peace Project

Last night I met the impossibly adorable Ira Dressner and got to see some coaching in action, which was interesting. Husband has some coach training but I do not, so it was enlightening to see some "mock coaching" which Ira was then evaluating how the coaches did.

Also, very exciting, I was one of 2 raffle winners of a piece of Ira's energy jewelry. I am supposed to wear it for the next 30 days or so, and it will remind me of what it is that I want ... when Ira asked me, I said, Peace.

I was supposed to talk to the bracelet and ask it to help me, but I prayed instead that God would help me use the bracelet to help remind me of what I may need to do to find peace.

Ira has a process where he holds the item and charges it with energy; as he began he stopped suddenly and said, "You have something you need to take care of. Take care of it first."

I've got such a list I'm not even sure what that boils down to. Another baby? Working from home with Husband or not? Getting back on Zoloft? Visiting my mom? Moving (somewhere, anywhere)? Whew. But an intriguing statement, huh? What would you think of first if someone said that to you?

Recipes from Food Shows

Psst... I'm trying something new. We watch a lot of cooking shows and Husband wants to keep track of all the recipes we try, so here's our recipes blog:
Blue Bear's Blog

It's named after one of DuckyBoy's stuffed animals. Blue Bear asked The Internet Marketing Fortune Teller how to market his coaching practice and "Blogging" was the asnwer, so now he's got a blog.



I guess he's a food coach...

Haiku Friday: At-School Edition

School book fair set-up
Lull in the action; I'll blog
while I have the chance.

Ok, that's a little weak this week.

How many years befoer no one knows the 2 different spellings o weak/week? I feel like the English language is slowly eroding before my eyes. Typos in sales letters, eveywhere-- dse no one use an editor anymore? *Sigh.*

They do teach the technical names for parts of words, though, apparently. DuckyBoy knows what to call letter combinations like "st" and "sh" and also trios like "str." I can't even find online what he told me they are. But he knows, and says it's one of the fun parts of school. Gets him interested in words? Guess that's good!

The Perks of Being Good-Looking

Husband came home yesterday with a perplexed look on his face. He and DuckyBoy had gone out to buy my Mother's Day card and, by my request, Mother's Day lottery scratch-offs. (I love that commercial!)

This is his story:

We went into Dunkin Donuts. I [Husband] put my messenger bag in the back of the store while we picked what kind of donut we wanted. DB picked an unglazed stick, then decided to go to our seat and then was back up by me, bopping around, wearing my bag.

The woman taking our order, out of nowhere, says, "He's such a good boy, he's helping you!" and puts a few Munchkins in the bag with his donut!

Meanwhile, this DD is not known for its friendly employees. In fact, two of the other workers were having a screaming match in the back of the store while this is going on!

* * * * *
I told him it reminds me of the episode of 30 Rock called "The Bubble,"where Liz's neighbor/boyfriend, the doctor, gets all kinds of perks because he's so good-looking. Some people just Got It!

Husband and I just never knew anyone who Had It before!

Husband said, "The thing is, DB has no idea that life isn't like this for everyone. He just thinks this is how life is!"

Yep. Just like "The Bubble"!

Why I Overeat

Eating more food can't
fix my inner hunger for
love, validation.

Yet I've been trying
every day, stuffing my face,
trying to feel "fed."

But at last, a shift --
Now a weekly meeting
helps me to feel heard.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And, surprisingly, it has made a huge difference. I can stop eating. And I feel less empty. Amazing how a psychological reason can have such an impact on the physical body. I've never been an emotional eater quite like this before. Only recognized it a few weeks ago, and at that point I felt powerless to stop it. Now that Husband and I meet with a sympathetic ear once a week, not only do I feel more able to control my eating, I'm also exercising!

That's right, Internet, you heard it here first, I've racked up a whopping 15 minutes on the boo-boo machine, I mean, the elliptical machine, this week!

Plus a day spent lugging plants around at school, that counts as exercise too.

I'm not quite on the level of the Hot By BlogHer ladies, but I'm happy to aim for "Better By BlogHer."

For more haiku, visit A Mommy Story.

Asparagus Fries Recipe

There's probably something to the fact that I'm bookending my post about the biggest revelation I've had about myself in a long time with 2 recipes. Right along with the fact that I've realized I overeat because I'm not "being fed." That's right, my life is one long series of metaphors.

Anyway, here is the other recipe that's in my notebook that I want to make sure and write down for posterity. I didn't invent the idea but it's delicious.

Asparagus Fries

• 1 lb asparagus spears
• Kosher salt
• Olive oil
• Freshly ground pepper (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.
2. Rinse and snap asparagus. (The "bend and snap" method of removing the bottom of the stems has changed my life by enabling me to have a stress-free relationship with asparagus. No relation to the "Bend and Snap" move from Legally Blonde.)
   
3. Pat the spears dry. Doesn't have to be 100% dry.
4. Arrange on ungreased baking sheet in single layer. I make all the spears point the same way.
5. Drizzle with olive oil and gently roll the spears around with your hands to coat, making sure to get the points as well as the stalks.
6. Sprinkle liberally (but not my Husband's definition of liberally) with salt and pepper.
7. Bake about 15 minutes. The points will look crispy. Turn with spatula after about 10 minutes.
8. Serve immediately.

And, no. DuckyBoy hasn't tried these either.

Coming Apart

Looking at my blog reminded me of what I wanted to share about selling the Eames chairs.

The guy we sold them to proceeded to take them apart in our play room so he could take the pieces on the subway. (FYI, he had to make 2 trips and had people with him to help.)

Husband was somewhat distressed by the turn of events -- after all, these were authentic Herman Miller Eames lounge chairs that had been lovingly cared for and were in mint condition. To take them apart is something of a sacrilige. But, he made the highest offer, called first once Husband sent out his phone number, and once he gave us the money they were his to do with as he pleased.

But that night, or maybe it was a few nights later I can't remember, I woke up in a panic. What had he done to our chairs? How could he do that? What had we done?

Clearly I was overwhelmed with anxiety, because after an hour or so of insomnia I started to worry about the chirping birds! It was 5 am, so not dawn yet, but (I guess) because of all the streetlights there were a number of birds cheeping away. What are we doing to our world? The birds are screwed up! And the bees, the dying bees!

And then, trying to figure out what specifically I was so anxious about (it's so hard to pick...), I realized that the chairs were a metaphor for ME. Particularly as a wife and of the past 6 years since we had DB:

I had been carefully chosen and lovingly "maintained."
Then systematically dismantled in what felt like an instant.
With no information about how or when I'd be put back together.

Potatoes Dauphinoise Recipe

Ok, so this is apropos of nothing except the fact that my mother-in-law loves these potatoes so I need to put the recipe where I can access from anywhere so I can cook them for her! Ideally, I only want to make them at her house so I can slice the potatoes with her mandoline. I think it's funny that she can't pronounce it but she likes it. "Dough-fin-wah." I think it's the French term for "princely."

Oh, and I just pulled out the notebook where I wrote it up, to get my notes on Lily's workshop (link coming soon...), and didn't want this to get lost.

We got the idea from an episode of Hell's Kitchen where Carol, the week's cocky contestant, suggested these as part of the "Each team comes up with a menu" competition. So we Googled it, of course, and found a couple recipes that I combined into this:

Jan's Potatoes Dauphinoise

• 2 lb potatoes, peeled and thinly sliced
• 2 1/2 cups cream
• 1 TB dried rosemary (or preferably, equivalent fresh if you have it, of course)
• 1 TB dried garlic (or 1 chopped clove garlic)
• 1 tsp. each salt and pepper (I love me my kosher salt and freshly ground pepper, but use what you've got)
• 1 green onion, chopped (optional--for garnish)
• 1 c. grated cheese, Gruyere or Romano (again, use whatever mild semi-hard cheese you've got. If you've got Parmesan, I bet it'd work fine too)

1. Preheat over to 375 degrees F.
2. Bring 2 cups of the cream , and the rosemary, garlic, salt and pepper, to a simmer.
3. Add the potatoes and keep on medium. Stir gently from time to time, being careful not to break apart the potatoes. Cook until potatoes are soft. If you've got tons of time to let this bake, you can err on the side of underdone. If you've got to serve it asap out of the oven, cook them longer at this stage. (We think this is where the Hell's Kitchen contestant went wrong, by not cooking them enough at this stage.)
   
4. Transfer to a casserole or baking dish that's been sprayed with cooking spray or otherwise given a thin coating of oil. One recipe I found said to rub a clove of garlic around the inside of the dish; I thought that was cook.
   
5. Top with cheese, chives, and the remaining 1/2 cup cream. (When I try this at home I'm going to try it without the additional cream. Base your decision on the desired heavy-creaminess factor.)
6. Bake 20-30 minutes and let rest 10 mins (if possible) before serving.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, No. DuckyBoy has NOT tried them.

Eagley's Last Stand

We have had a longstanding rule for all of DuckyBoy's stuffed animals. They all, for the most part, have known not to sit on the arms of the Eames chairs. (And DB knew the rule as well.)

From time to time, though, Eagley would break the rule. As a result, we now have a phrase for a severe punishment called an "Eagley Time-Out." Usually those stuffed animals who incur an Eagley time out for any reason get stuffed into a bookshelf headfirst, or under a piece of furniture. It's painful. DB loves it. He absolutely loves to give his stuffed animals a horrible time out. That must be how they feel to him.

Well, we sold the chairs today. They're too valuable for a family with kids to jump around on, always in jeopardy during playdates, and the ottomans simply take up too much room (and collect too much dust).

So, last night we let Eagley have one last sit. With no consequences except now we have a picture to remember it by:

Oedipus Speaks

So. DuckyBoy has always been attached to his mama, but lately it has ramped up in a certain arena, namely, him wanting to touch my chest and kiss me, particularly on my neck.

I smack his hand (or at least try to) when he grabs my breast, so hopefully instead of just a game he gets the point that it's not appropriate (I use words, too). I figure, if he tries that with another woman he might get smacked, so he might as well know that is a real consequence.

As for kissing my neck, it skeeves me a bit. I tell him it's not appropriate; I'm always serious and don't make a game out of it; and yet he still tries to do it.

Tonight I told him flat out, "Don't do it any more."

"I think about it a lot," he complained.

I told him some day he'll have a girlfriend he can kiss on the neck.

"What if she doesn't like it?"

"Then she may not be the right girlfriend for you."

"So much for marrying you, then!" he said, with some bitterness.

Sorry, little buddy.

Um, most kids don't actually talk their way through this phase, do they?

For Haiku Friday:

Little boy growing,
finding his way in the world,
ventures out from Mom.