Relationship Poem: Asking for What I Want

It Used To Be Enough...

The thought that he
found me sexy
used to be enough

His passion fueled my passion,
any touch was welcome

Now the touch is the same
but the skin is thin

the differences hang
in the air
over me

I regret never asking,
not ever really thinking about,
what would feel best to me

for now so much time has gone by

not a lie, really,
more a miscalculation
of what it means
to be with someone


* * * * * * * * * *
I wrote this awhile ago (like, within the past year)
and just found the slip of paper.
Don't feel like this so much right now,
but I didn't want to lose it.

It's true that I do have trouble asking for what I want
and sharing what I like and what makes me feel good
both in and out of bed.

I'm getting better at it.

BlogHer 09, The Overview

I took the official post-BlogHer '09 survey yesterday, so I guess it's time to stop fooling around and post my thoughts.

Honestly, they're so many and varied, I'm afraid I'll bore and/or overwhelm myself by posting them. And I haven't yet had a brilliant idea for breaking them up.

And that's no fun!

I had an epiphany while doing the survey, though. I had to choose how I felt about the conference overall, and realized that overall, my experience was more positive than negative. Until that moment, I honestly wasn't sure how I felt.

I'd expected more of a content focus, more how-to, especially in the ideas-for-how-to-monetize area. Perhaps I simply attended the wrong sessions. At one point I felt I had to pick either the Expo OR the afternoon sessions, and rereading the titles perhaps that was where I missed out. I really enjoyed the Expo, though!

There was something about BlogHer that I’m having trouble describing. It was a taste of another world, a glimpse of another life … a chance to just talk and connect with other women, a time to not be isolated.

I felt important to fellow bloggers and to the sponsors just for being who I am, in a way that being at home just doesn't give me.

I'm going to break up my specific impressions into different posts by day -- as much for me to remember as for anyone else to read it. But if you do read them, I hope you'll get a glimpse of how fun it was to be part of that community in person, however brief it was.

I may not go every year in the future, but next year's an easy yes since it's in NYC, yay!

The Perks of Being Good-Looking

Husband came home yesterday with a perplexed look on his face. He and DuckyBoy had gone out to buy my Mother's Day card and, by my request, Mother's Day lottery scratch-offs. (I love that commercial!)

This is his story:

We went into Dunkin Donuts. I [Husband] put my messenger bag in the back of the store while we picked what kind of donut we wanted. DB picked an unglazed stick, then decided to go to our seat and then was back up by me, bopping around, wearing my bag.

The woman taking our order, out of nowhere, says, "He's such a good boy, he's helping you!" and puts a few Munchkins in the bag with his donut!

Meanwhile, this DD is not known for its friendly employees. In fact, two of the other workers were having a screaming match in the back of the store while this is going on!

* * * * *
I told him it reminds me of the episode of 30 Rock called "The Bubble,"where Liz's neighbor/boyfriend, the doctor, gets all kinds of perks because he's so good-looking. Some people just Got It!

Husband and I just never knew anyone who Had It before!

Husband said, "The thing is, DB has no idea that life isn't like this for everyone. He just thinks this is how life is!"

Yep. Just like "The Bubble"!

Changing the Way I Communicate

So. We had our first meeting today with a person who is professionally trained to help people like us with our communication issues. Since we are trying to work and live together successfully, it seems like a good idea.

Especially since I've got issues. Chronic issues, is the phrase that came up today. Not sure how I feel about that phrase. Some relief that I probably can let go of thinking I can fix myself in an instant ("If I could just find THE answer!"), but also, hmm. That sounds like something that isn't going to go away as quickly as I'd like. And it may require more effort than I'd hoped.

Anyway, it was helpful just to talk to each other with a neutral third party listening.

So I'm feeling good, ya know? Like, Oh, hey, I really can and should say what's on my mind. And it's going to be okay. So far today it's even been helpful in a business sort of way.

Now, a few hours later, Husband is getting a bit tired of the Confident Wife. We're joking around with what he might say to our friend at the next meeting: "Hey, my wife is more broken than she was last week!"

Hey, can you believe I just now added "marriage" as a label on this blog? Guess that tells me something.

What's the Plan Here?

Lately I find I have much more to talk about on my other blog about DuckyBoy's school issues, like his struggles to keep his desk clean.

Actually it may not be that I have so much more to say but it's easier to talk about him than the jumble in my head about everything else. I'm excited about a new client but ambivalent about the potential success of the business long-term and therefore the amount of time I put in each day toward the rest of the business.

What I really want is an 8-to-2 job in Queens that pays at least $60k. Oh, prferably 4 days so I cans till volunteer at DB's school library on Fridays. Is that so impossible? Aren't all things possible with God?

Ah, God. I just don't know where God wants me right now. feel like the phone is silent, except for messages that keep saying "Trust God, lean on God." I want to say, "To do what? To go where? What is the plan here?" I hear mixed messages from the people in my house, specifically, "Take care of us and nothing else" but "Take care of ME not him," and also, "We want you to be happy." Um, guys? That's not working so well.

I'm all over the place -- haven't yet posted here that I'm going to BlogHer in July, but since I've got conference tickets and a hotel room at this point, I guess I'm committed!

Between now and then I've got a website to help get written and running, and a half-day seminar to prepare for.

I did some figuring yesterday and scribbled numbers of hours on a calendar to make sure I get everything done in time.

Was that ever eye-opening!

Turns out I don't have to spend the amount of time I kept giving lip service to ("Oh, yes, dear, I can put in 12 hours on this!!") to get it done with plenty of revision and meeting time built in, but I do need to sit at this desk more often if I want to post, read blogs, keep up with my emails, AND work on this business. (And be done when DB gets home from school and still go to the library on Fridays.)

It's good to know. Better than the vague explanse of empty time that stretched out before.

Wish me luck!

What Do YOU Have to Say?

Whoops, a week with no posts? How can that be. Oh, wait, it's only Wednesday. Feels like Friday, doesn't it?

Anyway, let's dish. Restaurant critic Gael Greene has been ousted from NY Magazine after almost 40 years.

I heard it on the radio the other day and just now had a chance to find out how she felt about it. This amusing link makes it clear that she was not ready to retire anyway (which was my suspicion).

Now, I could go on about the state of the publishing industry as a whole -- every day it's something, whether PC magazine going entirely online or Houghton Mifflin deciding not to acquire anything new. Just for right now, they say. Riiight.

Am I sad? Not really. For one thing, although I met some great people and learned a lot, I found publishing as an industry to be cliquish and closed and I never felt a full part of it. For another, I'm not part of it any more.

And last but not least, I've always felt I had something to say, and lots of other people have something to say, that don't fit in that box. My stint at ClubMom, now CafeMom.com, was a great eye-opener as to how many "ordinary" women out there have something unique, helpful, and heartwarming to say.

And now I've discovered article marketing, which can be as hard-core salesly or soft-sell informational as you want to be. Since I've been writing this blog, I've become more convinced that I do have something to say, and I've gotten back in touch with my love for helping others share their story and/or expertise. Helping people do that via article marketing is a perfect match for my skills and passions.

And that is what I have to say today! How about you?

Haiku About Article Marketing

Warning, shameless self-promotion ahead. I would have blogged about this anyway today, but I really enjoy thinking in haiku on Fridays!

Much better week this.
Despite an awful chest cold,
exercised my brain!

Turns out I'm good at
translating technology
for writers to use.

My latest venture --
on article marketing,
4-part telecourse.

A free call comes first
So everyone can hear more
on the class and me.

Me? An expert? Huh?
Taking some getting used to,
but the shoe does fit.

Ever notice how
you can struggle and toil
at something for weeks,

And when something works
everything falls into place
and it seems easy.

The sign-up page for my free call on how to Grow Your Following is here. Let me know what you think!

People I Dislike

In the past 43 years I can't remember meeting anyone I seriously disliked. In 2008, so far, I've met 2. Two! What's that say?

Wow, Great Party!

We just had DB's 3rd-of-3 birthday parties for the year. Do ya think he's turned 6 enough?

I actually think this was a good year to celebrate a lot. So far he's doing really well adjusting to school. First week was a bit rough, but now that week 2 is behind him, he seems to be getting into the swing of things.

We've got a printed list of what we need to accomplish in the mornings (which helps me as much as, if not more than, it does him), he has a nice long swim lesson with another student, a girl who's a better swimmer than he is -- good for the stretch! We're getting the breakfast-snack-lunch components tweaked so he's not complaining of being hungry in the mornings (why are wholesome foods so expensive? I spend $100 at the grocery store, then pick up a few things at the health food store and it's another $50!) And he's already had one social story come home about being flexible re: who walks him from the bus to class in the mornings.

Oh, and no early session on Fridays, so he gets to watch tv and take a little more time getting ready one day a week. (I wanted that last year, but they slotted in an OT session he wasn't supposed to miss.)

And while a bump on the head yesterday stopped him from getting back into the swing of things at gymnastics, at least he was there for a few minutes (while he recovered; he bumped his head across the street from the gym) in prep for being there Today! For! His! Party!

I was a bit of a crazy person this morning; I baked his cake(s) last night but had to cut and frost them into a bear today, and we had an appointment at the accountant (is there a prize for being the last people to file your '07 taxes?) at 9:30 and I had this idea we had to leave at 1 for the party.

Fortunately, around 11 am I realized our party did not start until 4:00, so I had a chance to relax. (Once I called the restaurant we were ordering chicken satay from and corrected the pickup time from 1:00 to 3:00!)

And at least the cake was all done!


{Edited to add: I'm so proud of my cake
I uploaded it to the Website
that gave me the idea, Coolest Birthday Cakes.}

So, Party. DB did great; when he needed a break from the noise and activity, he took one; he sat on a rocking toy by himself, or came out into the vestibule for a drink, and about 5 minutes before the end of the gym portion, which is long -- an hour! -- he simply staked his claim at the table in front of a slice of pizza and waited for everyone else to join him.

It's nice to go somewhere that the staff knows your child, and lets him do what he needs to do. As they do in class, they encourage him to rejoin the group, but don't see the need to force it during a party.

Sure, there were a couple of glitches. We did Bears2Go along with the gym, and the first thing they do is color the shopping bag they'll put their bear in. He was anxious, probably just because I wasn't in the room with him, and needed to be sure I'd help him stuff his bear. Once reassured, he wrote his name and a couple of cute happy drawings on his bag.

Since we've attended other parties there, he's been waiting for his turn to be "in the parachute" --the b'day kid gets tossed around. So when the parachute came out, DB wanted to hop into the center right away, but they had a few warm-ups to do first. He had a hard time listening to that answer, and waiting, but after a few stern words from me (I basically said, "You can calm down and wait, or we can go home ... ") he dealt with it.

And then he was great. Even rolled in the big circle (hard to describe...)
ate pizza-with-the-cheese-removed (his choice to have regular pizza be the food -- it's what everybody serves, so I think he just wanted the whole package), tolerated the always-off-key rendition of Happy Birthday, blew out his candle -- didn't even wig out when the candle blew out as the cake was placed in front of him, just waited --waited!! -- while it was relit, blew it out, ate a bit of cake, WOW.

As I write it all down, I'm blown away. And I even got a super-nice compliment from Husband that I did a great job with the party.

This was a big expense that we agreed to and then promptly lost our steady source of income. I'm glad we did it. I like having parties at home, will happily continue them in the future, but this was really special.

And the look on those little girls' faces when they got to pick a Unicorn!! With Heart-shaped Feet! to stuff? Absolutely Priceless.

"I Knew You'd Be Here"

I put DuckyBoy on his bus at 7:10 this morning, got in the car and drove his dad to work, and had exactly enough time to get to his school as his class was walking to the library to do their Scholastic Book Fair shopping.

I fell in line next to him and as he saw me he said, "I knew you'd be here!"

That made the 90 minutes in the car all worth it.

Haiku, Do You?

My confidence got a real boost this week.

This was the last week of my Business Plan Boot Camp, wherein I and several others attempted to wrestle vague ideas out of our heads and make them not only sound lucrative but also back that up with hard numbers – in 5 weeks' time. Yesterday we had to present the highlights to the rest of the class. (Which wasn’t too scary since there are only 3 of us who made it all the way through.)

And what was I doing Wednesday night INSTEAD of preparing my PowerPoint slides? Driving to Brooklyn for the chance to meet, or at least, I hoped, see, the writers of two of my favorite blogs, Dooce and finslippy. What a chance! There they would be, so close! I expected the place to be mobbed. And it was, sort of – the 50-person backroom of a bar had about 80 people in it. But where was everyone else? As it turned out, it was such an intimate gathering that I had the chance to speak to both of them.

I also read from my high-school diary, and everyone laughed in the right place and applauded, which was a confidence booster of its own.

But I kept thinking, how is it that I am here and the entire rest of the Western world is not? This is New York, we are supposed to be so cutting edge! And these are 2 of the best bloggers out there!

When I got home my husband looked up Dooce’s blog for the first time and commented, “She’s got a 7 [Google ranking] – six is really hard!” In other words, zillions of people visit her site and link to her.

So it turned out to be the best possible thing to do on the night before my final presentation, because it made me feel like I Am Not Wrong. My ideas can work.

I have an odd mix of failure issues: On the one hand, I am desperately afraid to do anything I might fail at. On the other hand, I tend to think everyone else is more right than me anyway, so why bother.

And this – this made me feel like I get it. For once in my life, I am one of the ones who get it. And that feels good. Really good.

A poem to end the post, in honor of another thoughtful mommyblogger’s Haiku Friday:

Moms connect online.
Today show doesn’t get it;
Can it be, I do?

Hard to imagine --
How can I be cutting edge?
It’s a whole new world.

Maybe, just maybe,
My ideas are not wrong!
What do I do now?