Haiku Friday: The Pain of Being 7

Frustration rises,
spills over into tears, a
scream from the backseat.

"I've been there," I say.
"What do you mean?" he says, shocked
I could get his pain.

"It was a long day,"
I say in a soothing voice.
"Sometimes school is rough."

"Let it out," I say.
One more strangled scream bursts forth,
then there is silence.

This has been the first full week of school, and the first week of DuckyBoy's long-awaited (on his end!) experience of going to After-School. For the most part he's happy to be there, to have free time time to talk to and play with and just be with the kids he likes.

But it makes for a long day; he gets on the bus at 7 am and I picked him up between 5 and 5:30.

And, a couple days ago he got teased at school, then yesterday he retaliated and he's the one that got into trouble (rightly so -- but a tough lesson for him to learn, literally; he does not understand the ramifications of his actions on the other student).

And so, there we were in the car, and out came a scream. And I didn't yell at him. He was so surprised. It was one of those moments where you think, "I hope that helps him in the long run, because it seemed like the right thing to do and say..."

And now, I'd like to apologize for haiku'ing about parenthood so much! This is not Haiku Parenting Friday! It's for everyone!

Would you like to haiku today? To participate in Haiku Friday, just follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. It or they can be part or all of your post, but your post must include a haiku. What's a haiku, you ask? Hint: 5-7-5. More info: Click here. Or here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky below with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your main blog URL). DON'T sign unless you have a haiku this week. If you need help with this, please let me know.

3. Please leave a comment after linking, thanks! (Eventually the Mr Linky links go away, I think, so they only way we'll find you in the future is via your comment.)

4. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button at the top of this post.

REMEMBER: Do not post your link unless you have a haiku this week! I will carry on the esteemed tradition of deleting any links without haiku!

Love Note to Dooce

Dear Heather,
I'm so glad your blog exists and that you are so honest about how you feel, otherwise I'd be even more lost.

I made someone mad yesterday. Wait, you've pissed off lots of people and not only survived but still likes herself, smiles, and all that jazz!

I feel anger and sadness and not a whole lot else these days. Wait, you were depressed too! I'm not postpartum and I don't think I'm so severe that I need a mental hospital (that option is probably a whole lot gentler in Utah than in NYC anyway). But I did just call to see about meeting with someone.

I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. Knowing that other people have gotten through helps. SO thanks.
Love,
Jan

NYC Snow Update

According to NY 1 News channel (The only news channel to watch, in my opinion), the neighborhood right next door to us got 10 inches of snow. That's more than I thought -- I said maybe 6.

Our car was covered yesterday --the 3 of us actually had fun clearing it off. DB did a great job scraping the layer of ice off the license plate. That was great not only because he enjoyed what for us would have been a tedious back-breaking job but also he could use the scraper with abandon -- usually we have to keep a close eye on him so he doesn't gouge the paint right off the car!

Aaaaand, then the car didn't start. But, that's another story. We'll see what happens today. Didn't like the cold yesterday let's see how you like it this morning when it's 12 degrees! I was grateful for the school bus this morning in a different way than usual.

DB's grumbled comment when we went outside to get the bus was priceless: "There is just as much snow today as there was yesterday. So why is there school today?!"

And then guess what! I got to scream out the window at 2 guys fighting in the street! Yeah, it's great to live in NY. More expensive, but you get a free show (with cursing!) right out your window.

So I says, "Ya wanna knock it off or shall I call the cops?" I says.

They looked up at me and waited for the other to stop first. I think one of them was my neighbor who was trying to dig his car out while he waited for his kid's bus. I don't know what the fight was about but I'm sure it was snow related.

All I know is I heard the shouting, looked out the window in time to see a punch, and then they disappeared behind a tree ... so of course I switched to another window. And there they on on the ground, and all's I can think is that one of them is gonna choke the other to death right in front of me.

And (first) I'm like, OK, so they don't have guns, (then) Not on my watch, fellas!

(Next) I actually called 911 because (after that) they got up, I wasn't sure it wasn't going to restart. (Finally) I think everyone lived. (What's with this?)

And, it's 9:30 am. I have 10 more things on my to-do list. Whoops, the phone just rang with Number 11.

So, as DB says when he's set up with whatever he needed at that moment (TV channel, snack, whatever) and he wants us to leave the room ... "Bye."

Haiku for Speaking Up

I am so tired
of listening with friendly ears
to others who rant ...

... and think I agree
because I sit quietly --
time for something new.

I'll share my thoughts too;
surely someone wants to know.
I can speak up too!

How to tag this one?
"Citizen" is from school days
but it fits here too.

This is what I want,
to teach my son to speak up
in his adult life.

Not that I think he'd have a problem with that if left to his own devices ... but I certainly have struggled with speaking up, and making my voice heard.

People I Dislike

In the past 43 years I can't remember meeting anyone I seriously disliked. In 2008, so far, I've met 2. Two! What's that say?

Five-Year-Old Poet

Sometimes I lose all my emotions
and angry is the only one left.

I can't even remember what we were talking about in the car today but DuckyBoy came out with this line that I think is so poetic.

When I told him I was going to write it down, he scoffed, "But it's not a poem!" To which I answered, A poem can be anything that makes the reader feel something.

I posted a bunch of other stuff on DuckyBoy's blog (or should I say, "my DuckyBoy blog,") so I'm keeping this one for myself.

And Then! And THEN!!

I'm heartsick. It's not anything horrible, but I'm a sensitive sort and it's hard to realize how much stress my little boy must be under every day.

After one of his school adults spoke to him gruffly Friday morning, at bedtime I mentioned that I'd heard his class attended the first-grade "Moving Up" ceremony today. When he acknowledged yes, they had, I mentioned, Oh, and yours will be next week.

To which he says, "Yes, but I don't get to go up [with everyone else]."

Huh? I try to not let it show that the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. "Why not?" I ask, as coolly as possible.

"Ms. X says I can work for it" or "earn it" or some such phrasing.

Pardon my French, but that's b&%!s*^#! And yes, Ms X is the same one I had the issue with this morning.

For once Husband and I are in agreement; in fact he's ready to head to the school loaded for bear (not literally, we do not have a gun nor intend violence of any sort) on Monday morning. Which makes me feel a bit better. But in the meantime, Internet, here's what I have to get off my chest so I can get some sleep (2 am NY time):

We feel it is inappropriate for [DuckyBoy] to be told that he cannot stand on the stage with the rest of the kindergarteners at the moving up ceremony. Unless he is NOT moving up, he has earned the right to be up there as much as every other kindergartener at the school.

Even if it is an attempt to extract improved behavior from him, it is inappropriate to make him believe he has to earn something everyone else has already been given. It is not the same as having him earn his way toward the Citizen of the Month award; this is something everyone receives together and should be able to happily anticipate together.

In addition, if this also means he is not allowed to practice with the rest of the group, how can his behavior be expected to be on or near grade level? I would like to point out that his behavior at the Spring Concert was excellent, certainly at grade level.

I feel he deserves an apology for being made to feel that he does not deserve to be up there.

In a broader sense, I have the sense that there is no team approach to finding ways to help [DuckyBoy] with his behavior issues, and instead each person is dealing with him as best she can.

Please do not be any harsher with him than any other child. Firmness can easily become meanness; I feel that line is in danger of being crossed.

Please do not call his bluff when he is threatening to react in a physical manner, as that is confusing for him and not a way of helping him learn to calm down.

I understand that he knows how to control himself, if not all the time, and that the recent behavior is a disappointing regression back toward the beginning of the school year. However, I feel the need to remind you that despite his verbal and mental intelligence he is still emotionally 5 years old (if not closer to 4), and talk of change makes him anxious, and he is receiving a great deal of negative feedback and, it seems, the reminders for how to behave positively have been taken away.

If the teachers with whom [DuckyBoy] has been physically aggressive need to take a break from working with him, perhaps other people can be assigned to work with him for now. I am very concerned that one of you will be in the summer program; I do not feel you are providing appropriate support to him at this time.

Also, I am sorry that my child is the one out of 8 for whom the techniques are not working to help him learn all the desired school behaviors. However, another reminder is in order to the effect that this is the issue with Autism Spectrum Disorders: Not everything will work for every child. There is no standard advice. [DuckyBoy] may be the first student in the Nest program to teach you this, but he will not be your last. And what works for him may not work for the next non-standard Nest kid.

Finally, while I know the end of the year is a busy time for teachers, I don’t hear anyone making allowances for [DuckyBoy] at this time – in fact, you seem to be leaning on him harder than ever to use every skill he has learned this year – so I don’t plan to make any allowances for you.

There. Maybe I can go to sleep now. Maybe. It's all I can do not to lie on the floor next to DB's bed and hope that even more love seeps into him than I can stuff in each day.

Birds, you do not fool me. You know as well as I do it is still dark out. Go back to sleep now, and so will I.

Haiku Friday, And a Whole Long Story To Go With It

Teacher spoke gruffly
I didn't like it at all
Had to go tell her.

I believe children should be spoken to with the same respect you would give an adult.

That doesn't necessarily mean children have to be treated the same way as an adult, after all, sometimes as the grown-ups we know what's best, but they deserve to know what's going on, as much as possible. Especially because they don't always understand the situation, or don't have any control over it, I believe they deserve a little extra care.

Especially kids who are highly intelligent, as they are actually thinking about what is going on and likely want to know why whatever is happening, is happening.

I think the teachers and everyone at DuckyBoy's school, at least all the people he's interacted with over the past school year, are like this most of the time. Which is why I was taken aback this morning when one of the adults he interacts with was very abrupt with him. "Harsh" is too harsh a word, so "gruff" comes to mind.

I, meek and mild I, actually went and spoke to her about it before I left the building. That's how upset I was. She apologized to me, but what I really hope is she conveys that to him as well. Everyone gets distracted, everyone jumps to a conclusion once in a while, and I am as sick of his whining as anyone on earth. But she knows transitions are one of his issues, and this.is.her.job to help him with them. Which should include speaking to him politely, when in this case she was about as not-nice as you could get (and have this type of job at all). Just my opinion, of course.

A couple of weeks ago I saw this same person be tough with him, and I knew in the situation why she did so, but at that time I felt she was a bit mean about it as well. I chalked it up to overprotective mom syndrome, ya know? Now this.

The teachers have been telling me for a couple of weeks that DuckyBoy has been being physically aggressive, which he hasn't been since early on in the school year.

"Using his body to communicate," was how they put it, which was a helpful way of phrasing it for me since he doesn't hit or kick or push me at home, but he does hug me too hard, push against me, and otherwise, well, use his body to communicate. So I've been able to call him on it and hopefully help change the behavior all around.

One of the teachers felt maybe the regression was due to the newly introduced topics of summer session, and first grade, which both spell c-h-a-n-g-e which spells s-t-r-e-s-s and a-n-x-i-e-t-y for DB.

Then what happened this morning, coupled with the way I felt about their interaction a few weeks ago, made me wonder if that relationship is in fact contributing to the problem as well. (Certainly not the only source of the problem, I'm sure anxiety plays a part, and probably the whole lack-of-a-disciplined-home-environment for an indulged-only-child issue does as well. I want to be very clear in case anyone from the school ever finds this blog.)

It can't be making him feel good about himself to be treated that way. It was very much a "You're wrong, now shut up and deal with it" attitude.

Of course, that's just how it made ME feel. I don't really know how it makes DB feel. But I don't know that he knows, either, so my guess is as good as anybody's. Actually, mine counts for a lot, I must remind myself, since I know him very well.

The other thing is that it makes a little voice pipe up in the back of my mind and whisper, "How about homeschooling?" Hmmm, I typed "choice" instead of "voice" in that paragraph. Interesting.

Anyway I wonder whether the school environment, any school environment, is really the right place for DuckyBoy to thrive. I want to him to be able to function in society, but I don't want to make him someone who tolerates situations that are not good for him simply because he's been forced to learn to do so.

Anybody else have any thoughts on this?

Better Here, Worse There

Huh. DuckyBoy has been so delightful the past 2 weekends we've practically been wondering who he is and what he did with the real DB.

And then, and then, his teacher Psssst'ed me at pickup time today. Uh, oh.

"We were wondering ... is anything different?" she asked, "because DB has been really aggressive this week."

She proceeded to explain that it's to the point where he's been hitting -- hitting!?! -- and today, after he was pulled away from a teacher he hit, he kicked the teacher who pulled him off!

And so, Friday he has a date with the principal. Apparently the threat of that alone was enough to make him calm down. I hope she can say something that makes it real how bad this behavior is.

Should I email her to suggest there be a real consequence of some sort, since talking seems to go in one ear and out the other after his initial upset over the words? She knows his diagnosis, but I'd love to help her make sure he gets How.Bad.It.Is to go to the principal's office.

See, she's a really nice lady. And it's elementary school. But still, my kindergartener should not have to go to the principal's office! I'm shaking in my shoes! And when I say to him, "It's really bad to get sent to the principal's office," he says,

"Why?"

Because in his eyes, he gets to have a nice chat with a nice grown-up who listens to him. Probably instead of Writing Workshop or a vigorous OT session or some other part of the day he dislikes.

Maybe he should have to miss recess.

And on another note, can anyone 'splain to me why the teacher has to tell me this at pickup time? What if I didn't pick him up today? Isn't things like this the reason why DB has to drag a composition book around Every.Single.Day, so they can write things like this to me?

And why can't he listen to what she says? If he can't hear it, why don't you write it in the notebook? And also, if he can't hear it, why try to speak to me right as I pick him up? Hello, have you met DuckyBoy? Are you not aware, after the Entire.Flippin.School.Year, that he has Mommy Issues? That he wants my attention for a few minutes when I first see him after school, and he is not going to run off and play while you try to speak to me?

My first-grade Sunday School teacher, who was also a teacher at my school, did that to me once. She wanted to speak to my mother, and made it clear she did not want me to hear what she said. I think the subject had to do with my intelligence.

I remember being confused and sad. What didn't she want me to know? How bad was it that I wasn't allowed to know, even though it was ABOUT ME?

Uh, um, this may be the root of my school-based inferiority issues ...

Morning Rant

I could not meet one of my child’s basic needs – to eat.

I made a mistake (forgetting to bring his breakfast downstairs) that MADE HIM CRY as he got on the bus,

which I couldn’t do anything about.

I hate THAT THAT WHOLE BUS PROCESS IS OUT OF MY CONTROL. I HATE that we are always running late and now the matron has muttered something about the DOE guys or some sort of inspector timing them as they pull up in front of the school building, so we need to try extra hard to help them be on time (and in fact we like her and the driver and wouldn't want them to get in trouble).

I also HATE to make a mistake, it makes me feel ashamed and angry at myself.

I hate that I feel like that. I want to be different.

I want to be able to say, "You have to wait, I have to run upstairs and get his breakfast." I've done that before, but with the whole inspector thing I feel cowed. The idea that a mistake I make can get someone else in trouble freezes me.

All this over a flippin’ Pop-Tart, which is close to the world’s worst breakfast in the first place. Geez!

Friends

OK, so I am still mad today but my friends are slowly pulling me out of the funk I am in. Part of me is still there, and still needs to be there, but it feels better tonight to have some of those feelings not be so front and center.

My mom is home, sans gallbladder. And whether it was so great to live through, I haven't gotten her take on it yet, but according to my sister, at least Mom knows she got a good story out of it. Believe me, this matters when you live in a community of retirees!

And, in an odd parallel, I also went to the doctor today. It was surprisingly difficult; I went in thinking it was just a routine followup, but it was more emotional than I expected. Interestingly, the doctor knew that, and in fact was the one who brought it up. Which was very reassuring, since I hate negative emotions and usually feel embarrassed by them and then just want to make them go away as fast as possible!

Random Thoughts: Anger and Gall

I'm so angry today that I made myself tired. And I haven't even begun to say anything to the person I'm angry at. I don't have much practice being mad, so I hardly know what to do. It's ironic that I was looking over the draft of DuckyBoy's IEP yesterday morning, and there's a couple of goals about him modulating his outbursts and improving his communication with other people ... and here I was today hardly able to speak a civil word to anyone as I've worked myself up so much about one person that I can hardly think straight. God does have a sense of humor for sure.

If you're reading this and are a praying person, please pray that my mom recovers successfully from gallbladder surgery; she got a double dose today, as first the organ itself was removed and then they had to wake her up, wait a few hours, and go back in (through the throat, no less!?) to remove a stone that was stuck somewhere. Eww! So what was supposed to be outpatient now has her staying overnight.

She lives in a community of all older folks like herself -- some 10 or so years older than her 80+ years -- and she said when she told everyone she needed gallbladder surgery, everyone had a story! So now she will have one as well. I was just glad that obviously so many lived to tell about it!! So my hope for her is a speedy recovery and to go home tomorrow.

"I Don't Like Angry Mommy!"

Well, I don't much like her either. Sometimes she gets a say, especially at bedtime when it's already late and you're already on borrowed time and I just want 30 seconds in the bathroom and now you're futzing with the sheet that's p.e.r.f.e.c.t.l.y f.i.n.e. and she can't Take It Any More!

But a comment like that sure brings a gal up short. After all, the guy was home sick today and now has the "I Didn't Do Anything All Day And Now I'm Grouchy and Tired But Not Tired" blues.

*Sigh.*

I will give myself credit from doing some more "thinking out loud" today when I did something DuckyBoy wanted me to, as in, "I'm doing this because ... [whatever my reason was]," so he didn't assume I did it just because he said so.