And Then! And THEN!!

I'm heartsick. It's not anything horrible, but I'm a sensitive sort and it's hard to realize how much stress my little boy must be under every day.

After one of his school adults spoke to him gruffly Friday morning, at bedtime I mentioned that I'd heard his class attended the first-grade "Moving Up" ceremony today. When he acknowledged yes, they had, I mentioned, Oh, and yours will be next week.

To which he says, "Yes, but I don't get to go up [with everyone else]."

Huh? I try to not let it show that the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. "Why not?" I ask, as coolly as possible.

"Ms. X says I can work for it" or "earn it" or some such phrasing.

Pardon my French, but that's b&%!s*^#! And yes, Ms X is the same one I had the issue with this morning.

For once Husband and I are in agreement; in fact he's ready to head to the school loaded for bear (not literally, we do not have a gun nor intend violence of any sort) on Monday morning. Which makes me feel a bit better. But in the meantime, Internet, here's what I have to get off my chest so I can get some sleep (2 am NY time):

We feel it is inappropriate for [DuckyBoy] to be told that he cannot stand on the stage with the rest of the kindergarteners at the moving up ceremony. Unless he is NOT moving up, he has earned the right to be up there as much as every other kindergartener at the school.

Even if it is an attempt to extract improved behavior from him, it is inappropriate to make him believe he has to earn something everyone else has already been given. It is not the same as having him earn his way toward the Citizen of the Month award; this is something everyone receives together and should be able to happily anticipate together.

In addition, if this also means he is not allowed to practice with the rest of the group, how can his behavior be expected to be on or near grade level? I would like to point out that his behavior at the Spring Concert was excellent, certainly at grade level.

I feel he deserves an apology for being made to feel that he does not deserve to be up there.

In a broader sense, I have the sense that there is no team approach to finding ways to help [DuckyBoy] with his behavior issues, and instead each person is dealing with him as best she can.

Please do not be any harsher with him than any other child. Firmness can easily become meanness; I feel that line is in danger of being crossed.

Please do not call his bluff when he is threatening to react in a physical manner, as that is confusing for him and not a way of helping him learn to calm down.

I understand that he knows how to control himself, if not all the time, and that the recent behavior is a disappointing regression back toward the beginning of the school year. However, I feel the need to remind you that despite his verbal and mental intelligence he is still emotionally 5 years old (if not closer to 4), and talk of change makes him anxious, and he is receiving a great deal of negative feedback and, it seems, the reminders for how to behave positively have been taken away.

If the teachers with whom [DuckyBoy] has been physically aggressive need to take a break from working with him, perhaps other people can be assigned to work with him for now. I am very concerned that one of you will be in the summer program; I do not feel you are providing appropriate support to him at this time.

Also, I am sorry that my child is the one out of 8 for whom the techniques are not working to help him learn all the desired school behaviors. However, another reminder is in order to the effect that this is the issue with Autism Spectrum Disorders: Not everything will work for every child. There is no standard advice. [DuckyBoy] may be the first student in the Nest program to teach you this, but he will not be your last. And what works for him may not work for the next non-standard Nest kid.

Finally, while I know the end of the year is a busy time for teachers, I don’t hear anyone making allowances for [DuckyBoy] at this time – in fact, you seem to be leaning on him harder than ever to use every skill he has learned this year – so I don’t plan to make any allowances for you.

There. Maybe I can go to sleep now. Maybe. It's all I can do not to lie on the floor next to DB's bed and hope that even more love seeps into him than I can stuff in each day.

Birds, you do not fool me. You know as well as I do it is still dark out. Go back to sleep now, and so will I.