While Husband and I were having our regularly scheduled chat with a professional friend this week, I discovered that I feel very ashamed at not being able to figure out what I want to do with my life. It was amazing how much better it felt just to have someone --practically anyone! -- tell me that it's OK, normal, to need time to figure it out. What a concept!
And of course my father's voice pipes up then -- steps to the microphone at the Everybody Committee meeting, as it were -- and intones, "There is no figure it out, just do."
Yeah.
Which brings us to BlogHer '09, and the post I've been putting off for over a week. I've been having trouble articulating how I feel about BlogHer, because like many attendees --as the posts about the conference I've read so far indicate-- I have a mix of delight and disappointment, good and bad.
I had high hopes for coming away from it with a Plan. MY Plan. A way to move forward in a way that would be monetarily fulfilling and personally gratifying.
Holy Grail, anyone? OK, so I'm a dreamer. And just when I thought I didn't have any dreams!
But I didn't get anything that specific from the weekend. Lots of good contacts and ideas. But I feel even further away from Getting Anything Done (see Dad's voice, above) than before.
Which makes me feel like I have to run faster and succeed quicker and better.
Which just makes me tired and want to surf the web and watch TV.
Hence the lack of a BlogHer post or any pictures up yet.
That was very helpful, thank you for listening! Your check for this session will be in the mail!
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Robin's Egg
Pale blue robin's egg,
fallen, whole, rare and precious --
Son stomped it to bits.
It's a metaphor
that what's important to me
gets smash'd without thought.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
He really didn't know, said he thought it was a piece of Easter candy (we did have malted balls called "robin's eggs"). But I was disappointed on two levels -- I didn't get to enjoy looking at it, and he didn't even hesitate an instant, just stomped it to bits.
It wasn't going to be a robin -- there was no way to put it back into the tree -- but I still mourn the loss of a beautiful item of God's handiwork.
Yet again rethinking the "lets raise a city kid" idea!
fallen, whole, rare and precious --
Son stomped it to bits.
It's a metaphor
that what's important to me
gets smash'd without thought.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
He really didn't know, said he thought it was a piece of Easter candy (we did have malted balls called "robin's eggs"). But I was disappointed on two levels -- I didn't get to enjoy looking at it, and he didn't even hesitate an instant, just stomped it to bits.
It wasn't going to be a robin -- there was no way to put it back into the tree -- but I still mourn the loss of a beautiful item of God's handiwork.
Yet again rethinking the "lets raise a city kid" idea!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Love Note to Dooce
Dear Heather,
I'm so glad your blog exists and that you are so honest about how you feel, otherwise I'd be even more lost.
I made someone mad yesterday. Wait, you've pissed off lots of people and not only survived but still likes herself, smiles, and all that jazz!
I feel anger and sadness and not a whole lot else these days. Wait, you were depressed too! I'm not postpartum and I don't think I'm so severe that I need a mental hospital (that option is probably a whole lot gentler in Utah than in NYC anyway). But I did just call to see about meeting with someone.
I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. Knowing that other people have gotten through helps. SO thanks.
Love,
Jan
I'm so glad your blog exists and that you are so honest about how you feel, otherwise I'd be even more lost.
I made someone mad yesterday. Wait, you've pissed off lots of people and not only survived but still likes herself, smiles, and all that jazz!
I feel anger and sadness and not a whole lot else these days. Wait, you were depressed too! I'm not postpartum and I don't think I'm so severe that I need a mental hospital (that option is probably a whole lot gentler in Utah than in NYC anyway). But I did just call to see about meeting with someone.
I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. Knowing that other people have gotten through helps. SO thanks.
Love,
Jan
Saturday, June 14, 2008
And Then! And THEN!!
I'm heartsick. It's not anything horrible, but I'm a sensitive sort and it's hard to realize how much stress my little boy must be under every day.
After one of his school adults spoke to him gruffly Friday morning, at bedtime I mentioned that I'd heard his class attended the first-grade "Moving Up" ceremony today. When he acknowledged yes, they had, I mentioned, Oh, and yours will be next week.
To which he says, "Yes, but I don't get to go up [with everyone else]."
Huh? I try to not let it show that the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. "Why not?" I ask, as coolly as possible.
"Ms. X says I can work for it" or "earn it" or some such phrasing.
Pardon my French, but that's b&%!s*^#! And yes, Ms X is the same one I had the issue with this morning.
For once Husband and I are in agreement; in fact he's ready to head to the school loaded for bear (not literally, we do not have a gun nor intend violence of any sort) on Monday morning. Which makes me feel a bit better. But in the meantime, Internet, here's what I have to get off my chest so I can get some sleep (2 am NY time):
We feel it is inappropriate for [DuckyBoy] to be told that he cannot stand on the stage with the rest of the kindergarteners at the moving up ceremony. Unless he is NOT moving up, he has earned the right to be up there as much as every other kindergartener at the school.
Even if it is an attempt to extract improved behavior from him, it is inappropriate to make him believe he has to earn something everyone else has already been given. It is not the same as having him earn his way toward the Citizen of the Month award; this is something everyone receives together and should be able to happily anticipate together.
In addition, if this also means he is not allowed to practice with the rest of the group, how can his behavior be expected to be on or near grade level? I would like to point out that his behavior at the Spring Concert was excellent, certainly at grade level.
I feel he deserves an apology for being made to feel that he does not deserve to be up there.
In a broader sense, I have the sense that there is no team approach to finding ways to help [DuckyBoy] with his behavior issues, and instead each person is dealing with him as best she can.
Please do not be any harsher with him than any other child. Firmness can easily become meanness; I feel that line is in danger of being crossed.
Please do not call his bluff when he is threatening to react in a physical manner, as that is confusing for him and not a way of helping him learn to calm down.
I understand that he knows how to control himself, if not all the time, and that the recent behavior is a disappointing regression back toward the beginning of the school year. However, I feel the need to remind you that despite his verbal and mental intelligence he is still emotionally 5 years old (if not closer to 4), and talk of change makes him anxious, and he is receiving a great deal of negative feedback and, it seems, the reminders for how to behave positively have been taken away.
If the teachers with whom [DuckyBoy] has been physically aggressive need to take a break from working with him, perhaps other people can be assigned to work with him for now. I am very concerned that one of you will be in the summer program; I do not feel you are providing appropriate support to him at this time.
Also, I am sorry that my child is the one out of 8 for whom the techniques are not working to help him learn all the desired school behaviors. However, another reminder is in order to the effect that this is the issue with Autism Spectrum Disorders: Not everything will work for every child. There is no standard advice. [DuckyBoy] may be the first student in the Nest program to teach you this, but he will not be your last. And what works for him may not work for the next non-standard Nest kid.
Finally, while I know the end of the year is a busy time for teachers, I don’t hear anyone making allowances for [DuckyBoy] at this time – in fact, you seem to be leaning on him harder than ever to use every skill he has learned this year – so I don’t plan to make any allowances for you.
There. Maybe I can go to sleep now. Maybe. It's all I can do not to lie on the floor next to DB's bed and hope that even more love seeps into him than I can stuff in each day.
Birds, you do not fool me. You know as well as I do it is still dark out. Go back to sleep now, and so will I.
After one of his school adults spoke to him gruffly Friday morning, at bedtime I mentioned that I'd heard his class attended the first-grade "Moving Up" ceremony today. When he acknowledged yes, they had, I mentioned, Oh, and yours will be next week.
To which he says, "Yes, but I don't get to go up [with everyone else]."
Huh? I try to not let it show that the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. "Why not?" I ask, as coolly as possible.
"Ms. X says I can work for it" or "earn it" or some such phrasing.
Pardon my French, but that's b&%!s*^#! And yes, Ms X is the same one I had the issue with this morning.
For once Husband and I are in agreement; in fact he's ready to head to the school loaded for bear (not literally, we do not have a gun nor intend violence of any sort) on Monday morning. Which makes me feel a bit better. But in the meantime, Internet, here's what I have to get off my chest so I can get some sleep (2 am NY time):
We feel it is inappropriate for [DuckyBoy] to be told that he cannot stand on the stage with the rest of the kindergarteners at the moving up ceremony. Unless he is NOT moving up, he has earned the right to be up there as much as every other kindergartener at the school.
Even if it is an attempt to extract improved behavior from him, it is inappropriate to make him believe he has to earn something everyone else has already been given. It is not the same as having him earn his way toward the Citizen of the Month award; this is something everyone receives together and should be able to happily anticipate together.
In addition, if this also means he is not allowed to practice with the rest of the group, how can his behavior be expected to be on or near grade level? I would like to point out that his behavior at the Spring Concert was excellent, certainly at grade level.
I feel he deserves an apology for being made to feel that he does not deserve to be up there.
In a broader sense, I have the sense that there is no team approach to finding ways to help [DuckyBoy] with his behavior issues, and instead each person is dealing with him as best she can.
Please do not be any harsher with him than any other child. Firmness can easily become meanness; I feel that line is in danger of being crossed.
Please do not call his bluff when he is threatening to react in a physical manner, as that is confusing for him and not a way of helping him learn to calm down.
I understand that he knows how to control himself, if not all the time, and that the recent behavior is a disappointing regression back toward the beginning of the school year. However, I feel the need to remind you that despite his verbal and mental intelligence he is still emotionally 5 years old (if not closer to 4), and talk of change makes him anxious, and he is receiving a great deal of negative feedback and, it seems, the reminders for how to behave positively have been taken away.
If the teachers with whom [DuckyBoy] has been physically aggressive need to take a break from working with him, perhaps other people can be assigned to work with him for now. I am very concerned that one of you will be in the summer program; I do not feel you are providing appropriate support to him at this time.
Also, I am sorry that my child is the one out of 8 for whom the techniques are not working to help him learn all the desired school behaviors. However, another reminder is in order to the effect that this is the issue with Autism Spectrum Disorders: Not everything will work for every child. There is no standard advice. [DuckyBoy] may be the first student in the Nest program to teach you this, but he will not be your last. And what works for him may not work for the next non-standard Nest kid.
Finally, while I know the end of the year is a busy time for teachers, I don’t hear anyone making allowances for [DuckyBoy] at this time – in fact, you seem to be leaning on him harder than ever to use every skill he has learned this year – so I don’t plan to make any allowances for you.
There. Maybe I can go to sleep now. Maybe. It's all I can do not to lie on the floor next to DB's bed and hope that even more love seeps into him than I can stuff in each day.
Birds, you do not fool me. You know as well as I do it is still dark out. Go back to sleep now, and so will I.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Morning Rant
I could not meet one of my child’s basic needs – to eat.
I made a mistake (forgetting to bring his breakfast downstairs) that MADE HIM CRY as he got on the bus,
which I couldn’t do anything about.
I hate THAT THAT WHOLE BUS PROCESS IS OUT OF MY CONTROL. I HATE that we are always running late and now the matron has muttered something about the DOE guys or some sort of inspector timing them as they pull up in front of the school building, so we need to try extra hard to help them be on time (and in fact we like her and the driver and wouldn't want them to get in trouble).
I also HATE to make a mistake, it makes me feel ashamed and angry at myself.
I hate that I feel like that. I want to be different.
I want to be able to say, "You have to wait, I have to run upstairs and get his breakfast." I've done that before, but with the whole inspector thing I feel cowed. The idea that a mistake I make can get someone else in trouble freezes me.
All this over a flippin’ Pop-Tart, which is close to the world’s worst breakfast in the first place. Geez!
I made a mistake (forgetting to bring his breakfast downstairs) that MADE HIM CRY as he got on the bus,
which I couldn’t do anything about.
I hate THAT THAT WHOLE BUS PROCESS IS OUT OF MY CONTROL. I HATE that we are always running late and now the matron has muttered something about the DOE guys or some sort of inspector timing them as they pull up in front of the school building, so we need to try extra hard to help them be on time (and in fact we like her and the driver and wouldn't want them to get in trouble).
I also HATE to make a mistake, it makes me feel ashamed and angry at myself.
I hate that I feel like that. I want to be different.
I want to be able to say, "You have to wait, I have to run upstairs and get his breakfast." I've done that before, but with the whole inspector thing I feel cowed. The idea that a mistake I make can get someone else in trouble freezes me.
All this over a flippin’ Pop-Tart, which is close to the world’s worst breakfast in the first place. Geez!
Monday, March 3, 2008
Dr Seuss Day
Today parents were invited to come into DuckyBoy's school and read Dr. Seuss books to the students, in as many classes as you felt comfortable with (15-minute increments, up to 4 classes).
Now, I really like to read, so I went. I should simply feel like did a good thing. yet I still feel like I shoulda done better (as my coach likes to say, "We're shoulding on ourselves again...") *Sigh.*
I just wish I wasn't the first reader in DuckyBoy's class. I would have picked a different, shorter book. I didn't know what to expect! For the second class I read to, I picked a shorter book and there was more time for discussion. I read that same shorter book to class #3 and they liked it so much they wanted an encore! (Their teacher said no.)
I also wish I'd known I could bring in my own books instead of having to choose from the ones left in the library by the time I got there. Or even that I could choose one in each classroom.
I get so ashamed that Someone will find out I don't know, that I just pick something and do something and it's not always the best choice.
I did last week try to ask who picked the books, but didn't get an answer. I only asked one person though. I could have taken in books and simply not read them if the books were preselected, but I was embarrassed. They might laugh at me if I do it wrong.
I think I have unresolved shame issues with school, don't you?
I had a good time. I just wish I could do it over again. I hate when I feel this so strongly over an issue so small. I hope DuckyBoy enjoyed having me there. He seemed to enjoy the book I read -- in fact he seemed more into it than his classmates -- so it's probably fine. I hope I do alright at not letting how I feel about the way the morning went color how he feels about it -- after all, it's not even about me, it's about him.
Updated to add: DuckyBoy did enjoy having me there. He told me as he got off the bus (always an interesting indication of what's on his mind, as he's been sitting and staring for about an hour), "You were the first reader in our room." Hopefully he meant that as a good thing, haha -- it seemed so.
He also remembered the part of the book I read that reminded him (us) of another Dr. Seuss book. The one I read, Scrambled Eggs Super!, had one page where the name of the creature rhymes with where it lives and another critter lives in almost the same place with a different name and it's hard to tell them apart --the Chiffs live on cliffs and the Chags live on crags, something like that. It reminded him of a page in one of the Dr Seuss books we own wherein a similar problem occurs. It's that "making connections thing."
Now, I really like to read, so I went. I should simply feel like did a good thing. yet I still feel like I shoulda done better (as my coach likes to say, "We're shoulding on ourselves again...") *Sigh.*
I just wish I wasn't the first reader in DuckyBoy's class. I would have picked a different, shorter book. I didn't know what to expect! For the second class I read to, I picked a shorter book and there was more time for discussion. I read that same shorter book to class #3 and they liked it so much they wanted an encore! (Their teacher said no.)
I also wish I'd known I could bring in my own books instead of having to choose from the ones left in the library by the time I got there. Or even that I could choose one in each classroom.
I get so ashamed that Someone will find out I don't know, that I just pick something and do something and it's not always the best choice.
I did last week try to ask who picked the books, but didn't get an answer. I only asked one person though. I could have taken in books and simply not read them if the books were preselected, but I was embarrassed. They might laugh at me if I do it wrong.
I think I have unresolved shame issues with school, don't you?
I had a good time. I just wish I could do it over again. I hate when I feel this so strongly over an issue so small. I hope DuckyBoy enjoyed having me there. He seemed to enjoy the book I read -- in fact he seemed more into it than his classmates -- so it's probably fine. I hope I do alright at not letting how I feel about the way the morning went color how he feels about it -- after all, it's not even about me, it's about him.
Updated to add: DuckyBoy did enjoy having me there. He told me as he got off the bus (always an interesting indication of what's on his mind, as he's been sitting and staring for about an hour), "You were the first reader in our room." Hopefully he meant that as a good thing, haha -- it seemed so.
He also remembered the part of the book I read that reminded him (us) of another Dr. Seuss book. The one I read, Scrambled Eggs Super!, had one page where the name of the creature rhymes with where it lives and another critter lives in almost the same place with a different name and it's hard to tell them apart --the Chiffs live on cliffs and the Chags live on crags, something like that. It reminded him of a page in one of the Dr Seuss books we own wherein a similar problem occurs. It's that "making connections thing."
