Sometimes I lose all my emotions
and angry is the only one left.
I can't even remember what we were talking about in the car today but DuckyBoy came out with this line that I think is so poetic.
When I told him I was going to write it down, he scoffed, "But it's not a poem!" To which I answered, A poem can be anything that makes the reader feel something.
I posted a bunch of other stuff on DuckyBoy's blog (or should I say, "my DuckyBoy blog,") so I'm keeping this one for myself.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Social Skills Torture? Do I Have That Right?
I posted part of this to the Nest parents board so if this is a repeat for you, sorry about that!
I just had an interesting experience this morning.
I work with a life coach and sometimes we do artificial worst-case scenarios, very similar to what is sometimes done in DuckyBoy's classroom during the "SDI" time, which I think stands for Social Development Interaction. Something like that. I never realized the similarity until I did one with my coach this morning.
Last week at our parents' meeting we watched a video involving 4 kids having 2 crayons. The idea was, I think, to help them work out possible solutions so they could all color. (Or, I think if the 2 without crayons had decided to do something else, maybe that would have been ok? I don't know.) I should say, DuckyBoy was NOT in the video. I don't know if the exercise was done with his group also or not.
Here was the problem. Part of it anyway... The focus was on the 2 boys who did NOT have crayons. They were the ones interested in finding a solution, so they were getting the attention.
The 2 boys with crayons were just coloring away.
I think the 2 with crayons should have been made to stop and all 4 work out a solution before anyone could color. After all, when we raised issues about it at the meeting, particularly the need to reward assertiveness in one of the boys who was suggesting a solution, the answer we got was, "There's a whole group here, we need to work on a group goal. We work on that issue with him at other times."
But this was NOT a group effort. Unless "You can have it when I'm done" counts ... and I didn't even hear THAT from the boys with the crayons.
So. They thought of taking turns, they thought of breaking the crayons, and they thought of the obvious solution, Getting More Crayons. Since they were in their classroom where they color every day with boxes and boxes of crayons.
They were told they could not get more crayons. This clearly did not make sense to one of them, who kept suggesting they get more. When we watched the tape, the therapist explained they were trying to get him/them to be flexible, not rigid, since they knew that he in particular would want to get more crayons so he could get his preferred color, which was not one of the 2.
Isn't that the definition of crazymaking??? Not teaching???
So. Back to me this morning. The concept was, "Imagine the worst possible thing that Mr. or Ms X might say to you if you say Y." Then what do I say or do in response, and so on.
Frankly, it was difficult and emotional! My coach had to remind me it was fake at one point in order for me to be able to keep thinking about it.
Let's review: I am 43 and have accumulated a lot of coping skills and labels for my feelings that I was able to use to continue through the exercise. I knew it was artificial since I was speaking with a different person altogether than the one in the scenario. And I still ended at a stalemate of sorts.
My son is 5, and he has fewer emotional coping skills than the average child -- or, at least, less understanding of how and when to use what he has. The kids in the video were 5 or 6. There was no acknowledgement that the scenario was just for pretend, "We know we could just walk over and get the other crayons but let's see what else we could come up with," and it was obviously very.real.to.them. Especially since the other 2 kids just sat and colored and contributed little to nothing to the exercise!!!
I had shelved thinking about this over the weekend, but it's come up as a thread I sort-of-accidentally started on our citywide parents' board for this program. And now the more I think about it, the more it seems wrong.
One of the moms said most of the exercises they do in SDI come from the work of Michelle Garcia-Winner. They use her work but not strictly or exclusively, which I appreciate -- they want the flexibility to tailor it to the kids they're working with.
Overall I've liked what I've heard about M G-W's ideas, but something's not right with this. Something needs to be tailored for a better fit.
I just had an interesting experience this morning.
I work with a life coach and sometimes we do artificial worst-case scenarios, very similar to what is sometimes done in DuckyBoy's classroom during the "SDI" time, which I think stands for Social Development Interaction. Something like that. I never realized the similarity until I did one with my coach this morning.
Last week at our parents' meeting we watched a video involving 4 kids having 2 crayons. The idea was, I think, to help them work out possible solutions so they could all color. (Or, I think if the 2 without crayons had decided to do something else, maybe that would have been ok? I don't know.) I should say, DuckyBoy was NOT in the video. I don't know if the exercise was done with his group also or not.
Here was the problem. Part of it anyway... The focus was on the 2 boys who did NOT have crayons. They were the ones interested in finding a solution, so they were getting the attention.
The 2 boys with crayons were just coloring away.
I think the 2 with crayons should have been made to stop and all 4 work out a solution before anyone could color. After all, when we raised issues about it at the meeting, particularly the need to reward assertiveness in one of the boys who was suggesting a solution, the answer we got was, "There's a whole group here, we need to work on a group goal. We work on that issue with him at other times."
But this was NOT a group effort. Unless "You can have it when I'm done" counts ... and I didn't even hear THAT from the boys with the crayons.
So. They thought of taking turns, they thought of breaking the crayons, and they thought of the obvious solution, Getting More Crayons. Since they were in their classroom where they color every day with boxes and boxes of crayons.
They were told they could not get more crayons. This clearly did not make sense to one of them, who kept suggesting they get more. When we watched the tape, the therapist explained they were trying to get him/them to be flexible, not rigid, since they knew that he in particular would want to get more crayons so he could get his preferred color, which was not one of the 2.
Isn't that the definition of crazymaking??? Not teaching???
So. Back to me this morning. The concept was, "Imagine the worst possible thing that Mr. or Ms X might say to you if you say Y." Then what do I say or do in response, and so on.
Frankly, it was difficult and emotional! My coach had to remind me it was fake at one point in order for me to be able to keep thinking about it.
Let's review: I am 43 and have accumulated a lot of coping skills and labels for my feelings that I was able to use to continue through the exercise. I knew it was artificial since I was speaking with a different person altogether than the one in the scenario. And I still ended at a stalemate of sorts.
My son is 5, and he has fewer emotional coping skills than the average child -- or, at least, less understanding of how and when to use what he has. The kids in the video were 5 or 6. There was no acknowledgement that the scenario was just for pretend, "We know we could just walk over and get the other crayons but let's see what else we could come up with," and it was obviously very.real.to.them. Especially since the other 2 kids just sat and colored and contributed little to nothing to the exercise!!!
I had shelved thinking about this over the weekend, but it's come up as a thread I sort-of-accidentally started on our citywide parents' board for this program. And now the more I think about it, the more it seems wrong.
One of the moms said most of the exercises they do in SDI come from the work of Michelle Garcia-Winner. They use her work but not strictly or exclusively, which I appreciate -- they want the flexibility to tailor it to the kids they're working with.
Overall I've liked what I've heard about M G-W's ideas, but something's not right with this. Something needs to be tailored for a better fit.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Pain Threshold vs. Sensory Input
So. The test result is in, and it turns out DuckyBoy does indeed have strep throat.
Now, I have had strep throat a number of times in my life.
I have a pretty high pain threshold, but strep throat is so painful I become the World's Most Annoying Sick Person. (I'm pretty sure if there was a Guinness category for that, I would win.) It hurts to swallow, and since my body tends to want to do that every few seconds, I am in agony every few seconds.
In fact, when I was a teenager on vacation and got strep throat, I was so annoyingly miserable that my sister strapped her infant into the car and drove us across town to their pediatrician to get me diagnosed and medicated. Oh, that doesn't sound like a big deal? My nephew was the World's Worst Passenger. For every ride, he fussed and cried from the moment he was strapped into his car seat until the moment he was released. She didn't drive anywhere with him unless she HAD TO.
But my son? His only complaint was a stomachache. Apparently, I now know, a common symptom of strep throat. Stomachache? For a throat problem? How would I know to make the connection?? (Especially for a child who tends to eat too much of things like potato sticks or jelly beans.)
That, and he said (around Wednesday), "I feel like I'm wearing my Hawaiian necklace," and on Friday, "I feel like the snake is still around my neck" (some kind of soft-sock OT snake thingy from school he's been talking about).
Your neck tickles, so I'm going to think you ... have strep throat? Maybe next time. This time, I just figured you ... needed your neck washed.
Pretty subtle cues, dontcha think?
But. Put a shirt on him with embroidery on the chest, and he can barely stand it. "IT ITCHES!!!!!" Actually, he's a little more calm about it. "UH! It itches!"
And try to get him to eat a bite of [fill in the blank new food]? "EW! Gag! Hack! Cough!"
Or, say, his sock is on slightly sideways. Kick! Spaz! Flail! General overreaction!!!
Clearly, he feels some things very intensely. Just not the usual things, like, oh, I don't know, tonsils the size of Brooklyn.
Medical Miracles-- Sort Of
And then, joy of joy, how do you treat strep throat? With the chalky taste of amoxicillin, of course! Welcome to my nightmare!
So, the trusty Internet told me I could put it in something like milk or ginger ale, so I put it in a rice-milk milkshake. DB of course does not like to be dictated to how much of something he eats or drinks, so while he likes it and says he can't even taste the medicine, the very idea that he has to drink the whole thing means to him that he Must.Not.Acquiesce.
So Grandma did the best she could, and I will keep trying as best I can, to get enough medicine into him to make the strep go away. It's also a fine line to stress how he needs to drink it otherwise the sickness will not go away, yet not freak out my little thinker/overreactor.
In this part of the scenario, I'm glad to be able to say, "At least it's not hurting him."
Anyway, we had a nice chat about how that tickly-neck feeling is his body telling him there is something wrong with his throat. The kid is making me come up with a whole new way of talking about illness; I can't say, "It's your body's way of telling you it hurts," because it doesn't hurt!
He was very funny at the doctor's office. The doc had to check his stomach and his legs, probably for swelling, and each time the doc would announce which part he was going to check next, DB matter-of-factly said, "That's going to be fine, there's nothing wrong there." And the doctor kept laughing. I guess kids don't usually have so much to say -- they probably trust the authority figure, right? Not my guy. Well, it wasn't that he didn't trust the doctor, he just didn't see the point when everything was fine with those body parts!
He also likes it when doctors pretend to see something silly in his ears, so he asked what the doctor saw. This doctor didn't answer, but DB dealt with it OK and didn't dwell on it, which was good. (I told him I thought I saw a Matchbox car, so maybe that was good enough.)
Kid-Free Weekend Update:
Husband says I became a different person as we pulled out of Grandma's driveway, and I really did feel a weight lifted of not having my thoughts intruded on every few minutes. I'll have to see what I can do to work on that with DB! After all, he IS a first-grader now.
Now, I have had strep throat a number of times in my life.
I have a pretty high pain threshold, but strep throat is so painful I become the World's Most Annoying Sick Person. (I'm pretty sure if there was a Guinness category for that, I would win.) It hurts to swallow, and since my body tends to want to do that every few seconds, I am in agony every few seconds.
In fact, when I was a teenager on vacation and got strep throat, I was so annoyingly miserable that my sister strapped her infant into the car and drove us across town to their pediatrician to get me diagnosed and medicated. Oh, that doesn't sound like a big deal? My nephew was the World's Worst Passenger. For every ride, he fussed and cried from the moment he was strapped into his car seat until the moment he was released. She didn't drive anywhere with him unless she HAD TO.
But my son? His only complaint was a stomachache. Apparently, I now know, a common symptom of strep throat. Stomachache? For a throat problem? How would I know to make the connection?? (Especially for a child who tends to eat too much of things like potato sticks or jelly beans.)
That, and he said (around Wednesday), "I feel like I'm wearing my Hawaiian necklace," and on Friday, "I feel like the snake is still around my neck" (some kind of soft-sock OT snake thingy from school he's been talking about).
Your neck tickles, so I'm going to think you ... have strep throat? Maybe next time. This time, I just figured you ... needed your neck washed.
Pretty subtle cues, dontcha think?
But. Put a shirt on him with embroidery on the chest, and he can barely stand it. "IT ITCHES!!!!!" Actually, he's a little more calm about it. "UH! It itches!"
And try to get him to eat a bite of [fill in the blank new food]? "EW! Gag! Hack! Cough!"
Or, say, his sock is on slightly sideways. Kick! Spaz! Flail! General overreaction!!!
Clearly, he feels some things very intensely. Just not the usual things, like, oh, I don't know, tonsils the size of Brooklyn.
Medical Miracles-- Sort Of
And then, joy of joy, how do you treat strep throat? With the chalky taste of amoxicillin, of course! Welcome to my nightmare!
So, the trusty Internet told me I could put it in something like milk or ginger ale, so I put it in a rice-milk milkshake. DB of course does not like to be dictated to how much of something he eats or drinks, so while he likes it and says he can't even taste the medicine, the very idea that he has to drink the whole thing means to him that he Must.Not.Acquiesce.
So Grandma did the best she could, and I will keep trying as best I can, to get enough medicine into him to make the strep go away. It's also a fine line to stress how he needs to drink it otherwise the sickness will not go away, yet not freak out my little thinker/overreactor.
In this part of the scenario, I'm glad to be able to say, "At least it's not hurting him."
Anyway, we had a nice chat about how that tickly-neck feeling is his body telling him there is something wrong with his throat. The kid is making me come up with a whole new way of talking about illness; I can't say, "It's your body's way of telling you it hurts," because it doesn't hurt!
He was very funny at the doctor's office. The doc had to check his stomach and his legs, probably for swelling, and each time the doc would announce which part he was going to check next, DB matter-of-factly said, "That's going to be fine, there's nothing wrong there." And the doctor kept laughing. I guess kids don't usually have so much to say -- they probably trust the authority figure, right? Not my guy. Well, it wasn't that he didn't trust the doctor, he just didn't see the point when everything was fine with those body parts!
He also likes it when doctors pretend to see something silly in his ears, so he asked what the doctor saw. This doctor didn't answer, but DB dealt with it OK and didn't dwell on it, which was good. (I told him I thought I saw a Matchbox car, so maybe that was good enough.)
Kid-Free Weekend Update:
Husband says I became a different person as we pulled out of Grandma's driveway, and I really did feel a weight lifted of not having my thoughts intruded on every few minutes. I'll have to see what I can do to work on that with DB! After all, he IS a first-grader now.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I {Heart} City Crab -- And Grandparents
We had the most amazing dinner last night. We had in-season, soft-shell crab at a Manhattan restaurant called City Crab which has always seemed too chic for a person such as myself to visit, therefore in its 15 years I had not been there until last night.
The soft-shells were awesome. I wanted to order another round for dessert. My advice? If my husband tells you to go eat something somewhere, DO IT. You will not regret it.
Tonight, we ate at TGIF, which shows you what a wide range of gastronomic adventures we cover. My tuna sliders were tasty as were the potstickers and yahoo, margaritas without guilt since DuckyBoy is at his grandparents' until tomorrow night.
Which means I do not have to be up and exciting at the crack of dawn (on weekends, I consider 7:30 to be the crack of dawn). I get to sleep in, sleep it off, and read my email in my pajamas, and take my shower whenever I am ready to, even if the show is over and the commercials are coming on.
I do not have to make sure there are at least 3 bottles of cold water in the refrigerator. I do not have to wear something modest to bed in case of a bad midnight dream. I do not have to not have another drink so that I am aware enough to get persons other than myself out of the apartment in case of emergency.
I do not have to make up any stories about cars, stuffed animals, or any other inanimate object. I do not have to run through a litany of breakfast options or discuss why dessert is not served after breakfast.
I am going to go not do those things now.
The soft-shells were awesome. I wanted to order another round for dessert. My advice? If my husband tells you to go eat something somewhere, DO IT. You will not regret it.
Tonight, we ate at TGIF, which shows you what a wide range of gastronomic adventures we cover. My tuna sliders were tasty as were the potstickers and yahoo, margaritas without guilt since DuckyBoy is at his grandparents' until tomorrow night.
Which means I do not have to be up and exciting at the crack of dawn (on weekends, I consider 7:30 to be the crack of dawn). I get to sleep in, sleep it off, and read my email in my pajamas, and take my shower whenever I am ready to, even if the show is over and the commercials are coming on.
I do not have to make sure there are at least 3 bottles of cold water in the refrigerator. I do not have to wear something modest to bed in case of a bad midnight dream. I do not have to not have another drink so that I am aware enough to get persons other than myself out of the apartment in case of emergency.
I do not have to make up any stories about cars, stuffed animals, or any other inanimate object. I do not have to run through a litany of breakfast options or discuss why dessert is not served after breakfast.
I am going to go not do those things now.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Haiku Friday
New phone doesn't work
I'm surrounded by papers
Drowned in ideas
Writing and pictures
Feel like I should get more done
It never ends though
When's it time for me?
Trying to think positive --
Nice weekend ahead!
PS--Edited to add:
Change of plans today,
DuckyBoy's school sent him home,
suspected strep throat!
That explains screaming
though he says it doesn't hurt;
doctor gave us med.
I'm surrounded by papers
Drowned in ideas
Writing and pictures
Feel like I should get more done
It never ends though
When's it time for me?
Trying to think positive --
Nice weekend ahead!
PS--Edited to add:
Change of plans today,
DuckyBoy's school sent him home,
suspected strep throat!
That explains screaming
though he says it doesn't hurt;
doctor gave us med.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Kindergarten Graduate!
Very exciting, DuckyBoy is now officially a first grader. His "Moving Up" ceremony was today; they sang lots of songs, the last of which was "Move Me Up to the Next Grade" (to the tune of, "Take Me Out to The Ball Game," very cute).
He did best on "Baby Beluga," clearly knew the song the best and the hand motions as well. He reprised the poem "Humpty Dumpty," including the hand motions, for us afterwards. So clearly he enjoyed taking part.
And he stood next to his rock-collecting buddy from the playground -- a little girl from one of the other classes with whom he sometimes collects bits of the playground cement and drags it home. (I wonder what her parents do with the bits of cement.. I am thinking of a "goodbye ceremony" to return them to the playground...)
We met with the principal on Monday morning, she reassured us (and checked in the classroom) there was no policy to exclude anyone from the ceremony, the only thing that happened was they removed him from the practice on Friday. She said the teachers seemed shocked he thought he would not be able to participate. Later Monday I was skeptical that was the real story, but now that it's over and done with I feel much more charitable.
And very proud of my first-grader!
He did best on "Baby Beluga," clearly knew the song the best and the hand motions as well. He reprised the poem "Humpty Dumpty," including the hand motions, for us afterwards. So clearly he enjoyed taking part.
And he stood next to his rock-collecting buddy from the playground -- a little girl from one of the other classes with whom he sometimes collects bits of the playground cement and drags it home. (I wonder what her parents do with the bits of cement.. I am thinking of a "goodbye ceremony" to return them to the playground...)
We met with the principal on Monday morning, she reassured us (and checked in the classroom) there was no policy to exclude anyone from the ceremony, the only thing that happened was they removed him from the practice on Friday. She said the teachers seemed shocked he thought he would not be able to participate. Later Monday I was skeptical that was the real story, but now that it's over and done with I feel much more charitable.
And very proud of my first-grader!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Greens Galore!
This is our HALF of the food from our CSA (veggie co-op) this week. I've never eaten, let alone cooked, this many greens in my whole life! We've got kohlrabi, chard, lettuce (whew, no cooking), baby arugula, something vaguely chivey but garlicky, cilantro (mmm), peas (this is what's left that I haven't already munched on in the hour they've been in the apartment) and some very ripe strawberries to brighten the bunch.
Recipe ideas for any and all welcome!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
And Then! And THEN!!
I'm heartsick. It's not anything horrible, but I'm a sensitive sort and it's hard to realize how much stress my little boy must be under every day.
After one of his school adults spoke to him gruffly Friday morning, at bedtime I mentioned that I'd heard his class attended the first-grade "Moving Up" ceremony today. When he acknowledged yes, they had, I mentioned, Oh, and yours will be next week.
To which he says, "Yes, but I don't get to go up [with everyone else]."
Huh? I try to not let it show that the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. "Why not?" I ask, as coolly as possible.
"Ms. X says I can work for it" or "earn it" or some such phrasing.
Pardon my French, but that's b&%!s*^#! And yes, Ms X is the same one I had the issue with this morning.
For once Husband and I are in agreement; in fact he's ready to head to the school loaded for bear (not literally, we do not have a gun nor intend violence of any sort) on Monday morning. Which makes me feel a bit better. But in the meantime, Internet, here's what I have to get off my chest so I can get some sleep (2 am NY time):
We feel it is inappropriate for [DuckyBoy] to be told that he cannot stand on the stage with the rest of the kindergarteners at the moving up ceremony. Unless he is NOT moving up, he has earned the right to be up there as much as every other kindergartener at the school.
Even if it is an attempt to extract improved behavior from him, it is inappropriate to make him believe he has to earn something everyone else has already been given. It is not the same as having him earn his way toward the Citizen of the Month award; this is something everyone receives together and should be able to happily anticipate together.
In addition, if this also means he is not allowed to practice with the rest of the group, how can his behavior be expected to be on or near grade level? I would like to point out that his behavior at the Spring Concert was excellent, certainly at grade level.
I feel he deserves an apology for being made to feel that he does not deserve to be up there.
In a broader sense, I have the sense that there is no team approach to finding ways to help [DuckyBoy] with his behavior issues, and instead each person is dealing with him as best she can.
Please do not be any harsher with him than any other child. Firmness can easily become meanness; I feel that line is in danger of being crossed.
Please do not call his bluff when he is threatening to react in a physical manner, as that is confusing for him and not a way of helping him learn to calm down.
I understand that he knows how to control himself, if not all the time, and that the recent behavior is a disappointing regression back toward the beginning of the school year. However, I feel the need to remind you that despite his verbal and mental intelligence he is still emotionally 5 years old (if not closer to 4), and talk of change makes him anxious, and he is receiving a great deal of negative feedback and, it seems, the reminders for how to behave positively have been taken away.
If the teachers with whom [DuckyBoy] has been physically aggressive need to take a break from working with him, perhaps other people can be assigned to work with him for now. I am very concerned that one of you will be in the summer program; I do not feel you are providing appropriate support to him at this time.
Also, I am sorry that my child is the one out of 8 for whom the techniques are not working to help him learn all the desired school behaviors. However, another reminder is in order to the effect that this is the issue with Autism Spectrum Disorders: Not everything will work for every child. There is no standard advice. [DuckyBoy] may be the first student in the Nest program to teach you this, but he will not be your last. And what works for him may not work for the next non-standard Nest kid.
Finally, while I know the end of the year is a busy time for teachers, I don’t hear anyone making allowances for [DuckyBoy] at this time – in fact, you seem to be leaning on him harder than ever to use every skill he has learned this year – so I don’t plan to make any allowances for you.
There. Maybe I can go to sleep now. Maybe. It's all I can do not to lie on the floor next to DB's bed and hope that even more love seeps into him than I can stuff in each day.
Birds, you do not fool me. You know as well as I do it is still dark out. Go back to sleep now, and so will I.
After one of his school adults spoke to him gruffly Friday morning, at bedtime I mentioned that I'd heard his class attended the first-grade "Moving Up" ceremony today. When he acknowledged yes, they had, I mentioned, Oh, and yours will be next week.
To which he says, "Yes, but I don't get to go up [with everyone else]."
Huh? I try to not let it show that the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. "Why not?" I ask, as coolly as possible.
"Ms. X says I can work for it" or "earn it" or some such phrasing.
Pardon my French, but that's b&%!s*^#! And yes, Ms X is the same one I had the issue with this morning.
For once Husband and I are in agreement; in fact he's ready to head to the school loaded for bear (not literally, we do not have a gun nor intend violence of any sort) on Monday morning. Which makes me feel a bit better. But in the meantime, Internet, here's what I have to get off my chest so I can get some sleep (2 am NY time):
We feel it is inappropriate for [DuckyBoy] to be told that he cannot stand on the stage with the rest of the kindergarteners at the moving up ceremony. Unless he is NOT moving up, he has earned the right to be up there as much as every other kindergartener at the school.
Even if it is an attempt to extract improved behavior from him, it is inappropriate to make him believe he has to earn something everyone else has already been given. It is not the same as having him earn his way toward the Citizen of the Month award; this is something everyone receives together and should be able to happily anticipate together.
In addition, if this also means he is not allowed to practice with the rest of the group, how can his behavior be expected to be on or near grade level? I would like to point out that his behavior at the Spring Concert was excellent, certainly at grade level.
I feel he deserves an apology for being made to feel that he does not deserve to be up there.
In a broader sense, I have the sense that there is no team approach to finding ways to help [DuckyBoy] with his behavior issues, and instead each person is dealing with him as best she can.
Please do not be any harsher with him than any other child. Firmness can easily become meanness; I feel that line is in danger of being crossed.
Please do not call his bluff when he is threatening to react in a physical manner, as that is confusing for him and not a way of helping him learn to calm down.
I understand that he knows how to control himself, if not all the time, and that the recent behavior is a disappointing regression back toward the beginning of the school year. However, I feel the need to remind you that despite his verbal and mental intelligence he is still emotionally 5 years old (if not closer to 4), and talk of change makes him anxious, and he is receiving a great deal of negative feedback and, it seems, the reminders for how to behave positively have been taken away.
If the teachers with whom [DuckyBoy] has been physically aggressive need to take a break from working with him, perhaps other people can be assigned to work with him for now. I am very concerned that one of you will be in the summer program; I do not feel you are providing appropriate support to him at this time.
Also, I am sorry that my child is the one out of 8 for whom the techniques are not working to help him learn all the desired school behaviors. However, another reminder is in order to the effect that this is the issue with Autism Spectrum Disorders: Not everything will work for every child. There is no standard advice. [DuckyBoy] may be the first student in the Nest program to teach you this, but he will not be your last. And what works for him may not work for the next non-standard Nest kid.
Finally, while I know the end of the year is a busy time for teachers, I don’t hear anyone making allowances for [DuckyBoy] at this time – in fact, you seem to be leaning on him harder than ever to use every skill he has learned this year – so I don’t plan to make any allowances for you.
There. Maybe I can go to sleep now. Maybe. It's all I can do not to lie on the floor next to DB's bed and hope that even more love seeps into him than I can stuff in each day.
Birds, you do not fool me. You know as well as I do it is still dark out. Go back to sleep now, and so will I.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Haiku Friday, And a Whole Long Story To Go With It
Teacher spoke gruffly
I didn't like it at all
Had to go tell her.
I believe children should be spoken to with the same respect you would give an adult.
That doesn't necessarily mean children have to be treated the same way as an adult, after all, sometimes as the grown-ups we know what's best, but they deserve to know what's going on, as much as possible. Especially because they don't always understand the situation, or don't have any control over it, I believe they deserve a little extra care.
Especially kids who are highly intelligent, as they are actually thinking about what is going on and likely want to know why whatever is happening, is happening.
I think the teachers and everyone at DuckyBoy's school, at least all the people he's interacted with over the past school year, are like this most of the time. Which is why I was taken aback this morning when one of the adults he interacts with was very abrupt with him. "Harsh" is too harsh a word, so "gruff" comes to mind.
I, meek and mild I, actually went and spoke to her about it before I left the building. That's how upset I was. She apologized to me, but what I really hope is she conveys that to him as well. Everyone gets distracted, everyone jumps to a conclusion once in a while, and I am as sick of his whining as anyone on earth. But she knows transitions are one of his issues, and this.is.her.job to help him with them. Which should include speaking to him politely, when in this case she was about as not-nice as you could get (and have this type of job at all). Just my opinion, of course.
A couple of weeks ago I saw this same person be tough with him, and I knew in the situation why she did so, but at that time I felt she was a bit mean about it as well. I chalked it up to overprotective mom syndrome, ya know? Now this.
The teachers have been telling me for a couple of weeks that DuckyBoy has been being physically aggressive, which he hasn't been since early on in the school year.
"Using his body to communicate," was how they put it, which was a helpful way of phrasing it for me since he doesn't hit or kick or push me at home, but he does hug me too hard, push against me, and otherwise, well, use his body to communicate. So I've been able to call him on it and hopefully help change the behavior all around.
One of the teachers felt maybe the regression was due to the newly introduced topics of summer session, and first grade, which both spell c-h-a-n-g-e which spells s-t-r-e-s-s and a-n-x-i-e-t-y for DB.
Then what happened this morning, coupled with the way I felt about their interaction a few weeks ago, made me wonder if that relationship is in fact contributing to the problem as well. (Certainly not the only source of the problem, I'm sure anxiety plays a part, and probably the whole lack-of-a-disciplined-home-environment for an indulged-only-child issue does as well. I want to be very clear in case anyone from the school ever finds this blog.)
It can't be making him feel good about himself to be treated that way. It was very much a "You're wrong, now shut up and deal with it" attitude.
Of course, that's just how it made ME feel. I don't really know how it makes DB feel. But I don't know that he knows, either, so my guess is as good as anybody's. Actually, mine counts for a lot, I must remind myself, since I know him very well.
The other thing is that it makes a little voice pipe up in the back of my mind and whisper, "How about homeschooling?" Hmmm, I typed "choice" instead of "voice" in that paragraph. Interesting.
Anyway I wonder whether the school environment, any school environment, is really the right place for DuckyBoy to thrive. I want to him to be able to function in society, but I don't want to make him someone who tolerates situations that are not good for him simply because he's been forced to learn to do so.
Anybody else have any thoughts on this?
I didn't like it at all
Had to go tell her.
I believe children should be spoken to with the same respect you would give an adult.
That doesn't necessarily mean children have to be treated the same way as an adult, after all, sometimes as the grown-ups we know what's best, but they deserve to know what's going on, as much as possible. Especially because they don't always understand the situation, or don't have any control over it, I believe they deserve a little extra care.
Especially kids who are highly intelligent, as they are actually thinking about what is going on and likely want to know why whatever is happening, is happening.
I think the teachers and everyone at DuckyBoy's school, at least all the people he's interacted with over the past school year, are like this most of the time. Which is why I was taken aback this morning when one of the adults he interacts with was very abrupt with him. "Harsh" is too harsh a word, so "gruff" comes to mind.
I, meek and mild I, actually went and spoke to her about it before I left the building. That's how upset I was. She apologized to me, but what I really hope is she conveys that to him as well. Everyone gets distracted, everyone jumps to a conclusion once in a while, and I am as sick of his whining as anyone on earth. But she knows transitions are one of his issues, and this.is.her.job to help him with them. Which should include speaking to him politely, when in this case she was about as not-nice as you could get (and have this type of job at all). Just my opinion, of course.
A couple of weeks ago I saw this same person be tough with him, and I knew in the situation why she did so, but at that time I felt she was a bit mean about it as well. I chalked it up to overprotective mom syndrome, ya know? Now this.
The teachers have been telling me for a couple of weeks that DuckyBoy has been being physically aggressive, which he hasn't been since early on in the school year.
"Using his body to communicate," was how they put it, which was a helpful way of phrasing it for me since he doesn't hit or kick or push me at home, but he does hug me too hard, push against me, and otherwise, well, use his body to communicate. So I've been able to call him on it and hopefully help change the behavior all around.
One of the teachers felt maybe the regression was due to the newly introduced topics of summer session, and first grade, which both spell c-h-a-n-g-e which spells s-t-r-e-s-s and a-n-x-i-e-t-y for DB.
Then what happened this morning, coupled with the way I felt about their interaction a few weeks ago, made me wonder if that relationship is in fact contributing to the problem as well. (Certainly not the only source of the problem, I'm sure anxiety plays a part, and probably the whole lack-of-a-disciplined-home-environment for an indulged-only-child issue does as well. I want to be very clear in case anyone from the school ever finds this blog.)
It can't be making him feel good about himself to be treated that way. It was very much a "You're wrong, now shut up and deal with it" attitude.
Of course, that's just how it made ME feel. I don't really know how it makes DB feel. But I don't know that he knows, either, so my guess is as good as anybody's. Actually, mine counts for a lot, I must remind myself, since I know him very well.
The other thing is that it makes a little voice pipe up in the back of my mind and whisper, "How about homeschooling?" Hmmm, I typed "choice" instead of "voice" in that paragraph. Interesting.
Anyway I wonder whether the school environment, any school environment, is really the right place for DuckyBoy to thrive. I want to him to be able to function in society, but I don't want to make him someone who tolerates situations that are not good for him simply because he's been forced to learn to do so.
Anybody else have any thoughts on this?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Bummed for No Reason.
I am bummed this afternoon, and have no good reason for it. A bit of a hangover, not like an in-my-20's rip-roaring hangover but the aftereffects on my body of 1/2 a bottle of wine nonetheless. I also had a couple of encounters recently that left me feeling as though I have poor social skills and don't know what to do about that.
But! I had a nice time at the park this afternoon and I will move on.
Sometimes the hardest part of moving on is getting unstuck first.
But! I had a nice time at the park this afternoon and I will move on.
Sometimes the hardest part of moving on is getting unstuck first.
Summer's Coming
I'm getting a little worried about what to do with DuckyBoy during the half-days after summer school, and during the span after summer school is done.
I tend toward the easy option, which is staying home, thinking we'll do so many fun!! things, like make crafts, cook together, go to the park.
What usually happens, at least on single days off, is he spends half the day watching TV and the other half playing on the computer, and when I finally try to drag him outside he gives me hard time and it hardly seems worth it.
I think I should plan something specific, either at-home or out, for each specific day. Not really my style, only because then I get too rigid and feel all " We Must Do This Today. It's On The Schedule," but I think that'll help me.
So far I have the NY Hall of Science, Long Island Children's Museum, Queens Botanical Garden, and finding a particular coffee shop in Bed-Sty (the owner spoke at my Business Plan Class graduation), where I assume we'll drive past a playground at some point as well. And then there's the new swimming center in Corona Park. Indoor so we won't get sunburned, yeah! And my friend M says it's clean, thanks for checking it out!!
And the beach would be a good trip, too, out to Jones Beach or Robert Moses. Especially on a weekday, when the crowd will be lighter. Maybe we can get somebody to come with us.
Last summer we took one of those bus-around-the-city tours, DuckyBoy was excited about the trolley. There's also a bus that goes in the water for part of the route; maybe I'll do that with him this year. That reminds me of the Police Museum downtown, I've always wanted to go there. That could work on a Tuesday afternoon before we check out the song time, then game time, for the kids in the evenings at our Brooklyn church. (Gotta make that commute count!)
Good thing I'm writing these things down; otherwise, I tend to do none of them. And I'd better set a budget for summer activities, as some of these ideas are going to add up, especially when we factor in DuckyBoy's love of gift shops.
Now, on to vacation plans ... Since we didn't get the beach club this year, we'd like to spend a few weekends away from home. Guess who's in charge of planning those, or at least coming up with the ideas? Yes, moi.
And I like to do it, since I like to travel. But I have to fight my tendency to inaction, especially when it comes to planning activities that I know are going to cost money. If everything was free, I'd be all over, well, everything! I guess I can start with our budget, we're thinking 3 grand since that's what the beach club would have cost.
Can I plan 3 weekends for 3 grand, or only 2? I'll keep you posted!
I tend toward the easy option, which is staying home, thinking we'll do so many fun!! things, like make crafts, cook together, go to the park.
What usually happens, at least on single days off, is he spends half the day watching TV and the other half playing on the computer, and when I finally try to drag him outside he gives me hard time and it hardly seems worth it.
I think I should plan something specific, either at-home or out, for each specific day. Not really my style, only because then I get too rigid and feel all " We Must Do This Today. It's On The Schedule," but I think that'll help me.
So far I have the NY Hall of Science, Long Island Children's Museum, Queens Botanical Garden, and finding a particular coffee shop in Bed-Sty (the owner spoke at my Business Plan Class graduation), where I assume we'll drive past a playground at some point as well. And then there's the new swimming center in Corona Park. Indoor so we won't get sunburned, yeah! And my friend M says it's clean, thanks for checking it out!!
And the beach would be a good trip, too, out to Jones Beach or Robert Moses. Especially on a weekday, when the crowd will be lighter. Maybe we can get somebody to come with us.
Last summer we took one of those bus-around-the-city tours, DuckyBoy was excited about the trolley. There's also a bus that goes in the water for part of the route; maybe I'll do that with him this year. That reminds me of the Police Museum downtown, I've always wanted to go there. That could work on a Tuesday afternoon before we check out the song time, then game time, for the kids in the evenings at our Brooklyn church. (Gotta make that commute count!)
Good thing I'm writing these things down; otherwise, I tend to do none of them. And I'd better set a budget for summer activities, as some of these ideas are going to add up, especially when we factor in DuckyBoy's love of gift shops.
Now, on to vacation plans ... Since we didn't get the beach club this year, we'd like to spend a few weekends away from home. Guess who's in charge of planning those, or at least coming up with the ideas? Yes, moi.
And I like to do it, since I like to travel. But I have to fight my tendency to inaction, especially when it comes to planning activities that I know are going to cost money. If everything was free, I'd be all over, well, everything! I guess I can start with our budget, we're thinking 3 grand since that's what the beach club would have cost.
Can I plan 3 weekends for 3 grand, or only 2? I'll keep you posted!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Peeps, To-Do Lists, and Haiku
I don't plan to usually do this, but I want something positive at the top of the blog for the weekend, and may not get a chance to post something else so here is the latest Marshmallow Peeps adventure on DuckyBoy's blog (which is really done by me so far, though we did the photos together).
He and I had an interesting conversation, if it could be called that, about websites vs. blogs. We were playing with a new toy shark and he wanted to have a sharks website with pictures of his sharks (he has 3 now), and where his friends could put pics of their toy sharks also. So we went to GoDaddy, and "Yourtoysharks.com" was available for $10.
I didn't feel like going through the purchase process, since he'd have lost interest by then anyway, but in case he wanted to keep going right away I suggested we start a blog. But he said, No, a blog is for grown-ups. After some back and forth I realized he sees a website as something that will have games on it. Clearly he was thinking, If we make a website, games will be there.
I thought that was interesting, to see the Web through his eyes. The only sites he goes to have games, so it makes total sense.
So I explained that even if we created a website it wouldn't have games. And then I thought of one.. maybe our ItsYourInternet guy could program it... hmm.. something else for the to-do list!
Does anyone else have a list a mile long of things to do for, with, and about your kids? My problem is my list for DB keeps growing, and for Husband keeps growing, and meanwhile my list of things for me -- including a several-hundred-dollar Spanish-language course --sits collecting dust. Huh. Anybody have any tips? Other than "Stop writing blog posts and go do something else for yourself?"
Oh and hey, it's Haiku Friday once again! Another seemingly useless activity I do for myself. I think of it as one of those brain activities I do, like Sudoku, to help stave off Alzheimer's. Not sure it's working, I'll have DuckyBoy let you know in 30 years.
Mile-long to-do list
Reading for the husband next
but I slept in, yeah!!
He and I had an interesting conversation, if it could be called that, about websites vs. blogs. We were playing with a new toy shark and he wanted to have a sharks website with pictures of his sharks (he has 3 now), and where his friends could put pics of their toy sharks also. So we went to GoDaddy, and "Yourtoysharks.com" was available for $10.
I didn't feel like going through the purchase process, since he'd have lost interest by then anyway, but in case he wanted to keep going right away I suggested we start a blog. But he said, No, a blog is for grown-ups. After some back and forth I realized he sees a website as something that will have games on it. Clearly he was thinking, If we make a website, games will be there.
I thought that was interesting, to see the Web through his eyes. The only sites he goes to have games, so it makes total sense.
So I explained that even if we created a website it wouldn't have games. And then I thought of one.. maybe our ItsYourInternet guy could program it... hmm.. something else for the to-do list!
Does anyone else have a list a mile long of things to do for, with, and about your kids? My problem is my list for DB keeps growing, and for Husband keeps growing, and meanwhile my list of things for me -- including a several-hundred-dollar Spanish-language course --sits collecting dust. Huh. Anybody have any tips? Other than "Stop writing blog posts and go do something else for yourself?"
Oh and hey, it's Haiku Friday once again! Another seemingly useless activity I do for myself. I think of it as one of those brain activities I do, like Sudoku, to help stave off Alzheimer's. Not sure it's working, I'll have DuckyBoy let you know in 30 years.
Mile-long to-do list
Reading for the husband next
but I slept in, yeah!!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Bad Neighbors, Bad Video!
Uh, yeah. So I am editing this post to take down the video I shot this morning of the door of another apartment in my building. Thanks, Sara, although someone or someones I most dislike having know where I live have been in, uh, the apartment in question.
So anyway, for anyone else reading this, I shot a video (along with a couple of photos that are on Flickr) and posted it to YouTube to prove that the court notices, dated February (at least the one on top is), are in fact taped to the door as of today, June 5, 2008, so no one can say they weren't.
As a Christian, I felt bad about this yesterday. I felt bad about trying to keep these people out of my building. I feel like I should try to be loving to everyone, etc. etc. Then I realized: I am also supposed to fight evil. And so here is the story (well, a hint anyway) of my little stand, in case it's needed.
And as an update, now that the day is over I feel like there are official people who seem to be on the ball to make sure everything will be OK. It's not anything as horrible as it could seem in New York, like the former governor showing up at odd times of night, but ... let's leave it at this, I am saying prayers of protection and I am not the type of person to usually do that.
So anyway, for anyone else reading this, I shot a video (along with a couple of photos that are on Flickr) and posted it to YouTube to prove that the court notices, dated February (at least the one on top is), are in fact taped to the door as of today, June 5, 2008, so no one can say they weren't.
As a Christian, I felt bad about this yesterday. I felt bad about trying to keep these people out of my building. I feel like I should try to be loving to everyone, etc. etc. Then I realized: I am also supposed to fight evil. And so here is the story (well, a hint anyway) of my little stand, in case it's needed.
And as an update, now that the day is over I feel like there are official people who seem to be on the ball to make sure everything will be OK. It's not anything as horrible as it could seem in New York, like the former governor showing up at odd times of night, but ... let's leave it at this, I am saying prayers of protection and I am not the type of person to usually do that.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Better Here, Worse There
Huh. DuckyBoy has been so delightful the past 2 weekends we've practically been wondering who he is and what he did with the real DB.
And then, and then, his teacher Psssst'ed me at pickup time today. Uh, oh.
"We were wondering ... is anything different?" she asked, "because DB has been really aggressive this week."
She proceeded to explain that it's to the point where he's been hitting -- hitting!?! -- and today, after he was pulled away from a teacher he hit, he kicked the teacher who pulled him off!
And so, Friday he has a date with the principal. Apparently the threat of that alone was enough to make him calm down. I hope she can say something that makes it real how bad this behavior is.
Should I email her to suggest there be a real consequence of some sort, since talking seems to go in one ear and out the other after his initial upset over the words? She knows his diagnosis, but I'd love to help her make sure he gets How.Bad.It.Is to go to the principal's office.
See, she's a really nice lady. And it's elementary school. But still, my kindergartener should not have to go to the principal's office! I'm shaking in my shoes! And when I say to him, "It's really bad to get sent to the principal's office," he says,
"Why?"
Because in his eyes, he gets to have a nice chat with a nice grown-up who listens to him. Probably instead of Writing Workshop or a vigorous OT session or some other part of the day he dislikes.
Maybe he should have to miss recess.
And on another note, can anyone 'splain to me why the teacher has to tell me this at pickup time? What if I didn't pick him up today? Isn't things like this the reason why DB has to drag a composition book around Every.Single.Day, so they can write things like this to me?
And why can't he listen to what she says? If he can't hear it, why don't you write it in the notebook? And also, if he can't hear it, why try to speak to me right as I pick him up? Hello, have you met DuckyBoy? Are you not aware, after the Entire.Flippin.School.Year, that he has Mommy Issues? That he wants my attention for a few minutes when I first see him after school, and he is not going to run off and play while you try to speak to me?
My first-grade Sunday School teacher, who was also a teacher at my school, did that to me once. She wanted to speak to my mother, and made it clear she did not want me to hear what she said. I think the subject had to do with my intelligence.
I remember being confused and sad. What didn't she want me to know? How bad was it that I wasn't allowed to know, even though it was ABOUT ME?
Uh, um, this may be the root of my school-based inferiority issues ...
And then, and then, his teacher Psssst'ed me at pickup time today. Uh, oh.
"We were wondering ... is anything different?" she asked, "because DB has been really aggressive this week."
She proceeded to explain that it's to the point where he's been hitting -- hitting!?! -- and today, after he was pulled away from a teacher he hit, he kicked the teacher who pulled him off!
And so, Friday he has a date with the principal. Apparently the threat of that alone was enough to make him calm down. I hope she can say something that makes it real how bad this behavior is.
Should I email her to suggest there be a real consequence of some sort, since talking seems to go in one ear and out the other after his initial upset over the words? She knows his diagnosis, but I'd love to help her make sure he gets How.Bad.It.Is to go to the principal's office.
See, she's a really nice lady. And it's elementary school. But still, my kindergartener should not have to go to the principal's office! I'm shaking in my shoes! And when I say to him, "It's really bad to get sent to the principal's office," he says,
"Why?"
Because in his eyes, he gets to have a nice chat with a nice grown-up who listens to him. Probably instead of Writing Workshop or a vigorous OT session or some other part of the day he dislikes.
Maybe he should have to miss recess.
And on another note, can anyone 'splain to me why the teacher has to tell me this at pickup time? What if I didn't pick him up today? Isn't things like this the reason why DB has to drag a composition book around Every.Single.Day, so they can write things like this to me?
And why can't he listen to what she says? If he can't hear it, why don't you write it in the notebook? And also, if he can't hear it, why try to speak to me right as I pick him up? Hello, have you met DuckyBoy? Are you not aware, after the Entire.Flippin.School.Year, that he has Mommy Issues? That he wants my attention for a few minutes when I first see him after school, and he is not going to run off and play while you try to speak to me?
My first-grade Sunday School teacher, who was also a teacher at my school, did that to me once. She wanted to speak to my mother, and made it clear she did not want me to hear what she said. I think the subject had to do with my intelligence.
I remember being confused and sad. What didn't she want me to know? How bad was it that I wasn't allowed to know, even though it was ABOUT ME?
Uh, um, this may be the root of my school-based inferiority issues ...
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Speed Racer
Over 2 hours, and DuckyBoy was as good as at Cars, maybe even better. The graphics were amazing, and I think he was even able to follow the plot -- enough, anyway.
I was surprised at a couple of "bad words" -- a** is the one I remember. DB hears them from time to time but I didn't like to find them in a predominantly kids movie.
Husband and I enjoyed it also. I looked at my watch twice, which is always my benchmark of the pace of a movie. But this time once was just out of curiosity as to how much time had passed, and the second was because DB was concerned that at a certain point it might be just about over (there was still 20 minutes left).
We were just as happy to have missed most of the previews, though, because that would have clocked us in at over 2 and a half hours in the theater. As it was, the 11:05 showtime meant we all had popcorn and pretzels for breakfast!
This afternoon, DB was grouchy -- as grouchy as he was in the morning, shortly after I got up, when he wanted to play but was just ... too ... bored. So this afternoon I suggested he watch his triops swim around -- we have, like, 7 this time around! -- and wonder of wonders, he did actually find that relaxing. Yay, sometimes my ideas work!
He also wanted to paint a box to look like Mach 6, Speed Racer's car. When I was unable to produce a big enough box for him to sit in, he decided he wanted to repaint The Duck Truck -- an old cardboard apple box from 3 or 4 years ago that's seen a lot of action as The Duck Truck, thanks to me drawing wheels on the sides in crayon way back when. (Plus it has a door cut into one side, since when we first made it he was too small to climb in and out.)
So we did, and it looks great. Two things impressed me -- the length of time he was able to focus on painting one whole side of it; and his willingness to use the beloved Duck Truck for a new, bigger-boy interest.
As Trixie says in the movie, Cool beans!
I was surprised at a couple of "bad words" -- a** is the one I remember. DB hears them from time to time but I didn't like to find them in a predominantly kids movie.
Husband and I enjoyed it also. I looked at my watch twice, which is always my benchmark of the pace of a movie. But this time once was just out of curiosity as to how much time had passed, and the second was because DB was concerned that at a certain point it might be just about over (there was still 20 minutes left).
We were just as happy to have missed most of the previews, though, because that would have clocked us in at over 2 and a half hours in the theater. As it was, the 11:05 showtime meant we all had popcorn and pretzels for breakfast!
This afternoon, DB was grouchy -- as grouchy as he was in the morning, shortly after I got up, when he wanted to play but was just ... too ... bored. So this afternoon I suggested he watch his triops swim around -- we have, like, 7 this time around! -- and wonder of wonders, he did actually find that relaxing. Yay, sometimes my ideas work!
He also wanted to paint a box to look like Mach 6, Speed Racer's car. When I was unable to produce a big enough box for him to sit in, he decided he wanted to repaint The Duck Truck -- an old cardboard apple box from 3 or 4 years ago that's seen a lot of action as The Duck Truck, thanks to me drawing wheels on the sides in crayon way back when. (Plus it has a door cut into one side, since when we first made it he was too small to climb in and out.)
So we did, and it looks great. Two things impressed me -- the length of time he was able to focus on painting one whole side of it; and his willingness to use the beloved Duck Truck for a new, bigger-boy interest.
As Trixie says in the movie, Cool beans!
