Husband just reminded me that in the midst of the lost day I will call Last Sunday, I opined that dealing with DuckyBoy is like being on a committee I can't get off of and can't say no to.
Ever been on one of those? It sounds so interesting upfront -- oh, this committee is in charge of This-and-That, and we meet Just-So-Often, and we have Plenty of Members.
Then, you go to your first meeting and it's just you and the Tired Old Chairwoman who's managed to drag herself there and muster enough enthusiasm to offload everything onto you. Crap! you think, This isn't what I signed up for.
But how do you get out of it? You still believe in the larger organization, you still think the committee has potential. You want it to work. OK, you hear yourself say, I'll work on this part, but then that turns into another part which requires research and phone calls and writing and haranguing other people and ugh.
But by then you're in so deep you just don't know how to get out. So you muddle along doing the best you can.
At least with committees there is usually a time limit, and in a year or two someone is going to come ask you if you want to still be on it, or you can go find the Nominating Committee and tell them, Gee, I feel so bad, but just have to cycle off for now.
But you don't get that with parenting.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I ended this post here, then thought better of it. I don't want it to sound like I don't want to be DuckyBoy's mom. The problem stems from, to continue the metaphor, him being the reason for the committee (i.e., what I'm working for) and also the head of it --as in, I uh am beginning to realize perhaps I give him too much say in the matters of his life. Which affects the matters of mine.
So I have bad parenting habits that are hard to break -- going along with the flow, just as I'd do if I joined a Committee-Already-in-Progress, and what I'd call Just Doing Whatever in order to get to the next thing that seems more important. Trouble is, I've set a precedent for Not Having an Opinion, which amounts to Not Being in Charge. I didn't see that coming.
Come to think of it, that about sums up my career as well. Since I always knew I was Making a Conscious Decision to go along, I never knew why no one thought I had anything important to say when I did, on occasion, see something worth talking about.
So what's the alternative -- about work (since it's less painful and I can always circle back to parenting...)? To always give my opinion? To make a choice that's different from the other(s) at more-than-occasional times? Do I have to? Because honestly, much of the time I am in agreement with the main decision. So how do I come across as giving buy-in, not just being a yes-woman? Should I ask questions? State my reasons why I agree? Ah, now that one makes sense.
And that fits with the "thinking out loud" theory of helping ASD kids -- you talk through why you're doing something. (See, I said I would circle back.) I'll try to do that more.
While I also just plain try not to go along with DuckyBoy so much. He's ready for the challenge. And, I think, so am I.
Friday, March 7, 2008
DuckyBoy and the Jar of Bottle Caps
DuckyBoy was very excited when I picked him up from school yesterday -- "My teacher has something to show you!" he said.
And sure enough, she did -- a large plastic soup container (like from a deli) with a few bottle caps (like from bottles of water and soda) in the bottom.
Each time DuckyBoy does a good thing, he gets a bottle cap -- teachers and classmates can put in a cap. And when the container is full, he gets to be Citizen of the Month!
He's waay excited. I'm impressed and delighted that they chose to start it the day before the next winner of the award gets announced (today); this way he has a tangible reminder that it can become real for him, too. I wonder if the winner today will be another of his friends -- that was really difficult for him a couple of months ago.
And what a stinker he is -- yesterday was the first day, and he got like 10 caps! When the behavior that needs to be changed is pointed out to him, and he knows and wants the reward, he KNOWS how to do the right thing.
The same with sleeping in his own bed -- he can stay out of my room for as many nights as it takes to earn whatever reward -- it used to be a trip on the AirTrain when his preschool was right there in Jamaica. But as soon as he got the reward, he'd revert to his old ways. Stretching it out too long didn't work -- he'd just forget, or give up. I hope that doesn't happen here. I bet it won't -- I think they've got a good plan.
And his teacher also said to him, when the jar fills up and he gets the award, they can work toward something else.
He wants one at home, too, "but not with bottle caps," he said. I was thinking maybe pennies. And I can think of a lot of things he can earn them for, too. But, now, what to work toward, hmm!
And sure enough, she did -- a large plastic soup container (like from a deli) with a few bottle caps (like from bottles of water and soda) in the bottom.
Each time DuckyBoy does a good thing, he gets a bottle cap -- teachers and classmates can put in a cap. And when the container is full, he gets to be Citizen of the Month!
He's waay excited. I'm impressed and delighted that they chose to start it the day before the next winner of the award gets announced (today); this way he has a tangible reminder that it can become real for him, too. I wonder if the winner today will be another of his friends -- that was really difficult for him a couple of months ago.
And what a stinker he is -- yesterday was the first day, and he got like 10 caps! When the behavior that needs to be changed is pointed out to him, and he knows and wants the reward, he KNOWS how to do the right thing.
The same with sleeping in his own bed -- he can stay out of my room for as many nights as it takes to earn whatever reward -- it used to be a trip on the AirTrain when his preschool was right there in Jamaica. But as soon as he got the reward, he'd revert to his old ways. Stretching it out too long didn't work -- he'd just forget, or give up. I hope that doesn't happen here. I bet it won't -- I think they've got a good plan.
And his teacher also said to him, when the jar fills up and he gets the award, they can work toward something else.
He wants one at home, too, "but not with bottle caps," he said. I was thinking maybe pennies. And I can think of a lot of things he can earn them for, too. But, now, what to work toward, hmm!
Spending to Save the Earth
Here's an interesting idea: The website Big Green Purse, an outgrowth of a book by the same name, is asking women to pledging to spend $1,000 this year on products that help, or at least cause less or no harm to, the earth.
It makes me think: how many of my choices aren't eco-friendly? I like to think of myself as an earth lover. Back in the day when I had time to do this kind of thing I made phone calls for NYPIRG drumming up support for Earth Day. I save more stuff than I have room for because I know it can be reused (probably as a children's craft) someday.
But do I pay attention to the cosmetics, the cleansers, the clothes I buy? Not really. I buy what works, what the cleaning lady tells me to, what fits and feels nice. I buy what's convenient. Coffee? Furniture? Toys? There's a whole new world of eco-friendly I haven't even thought about.
So, I'm taking the challenge. I know I tend to get obsessive about things, so I can't make myself nuts overthinking everything I buy -- I'm already reading so many labels for dairy ingredients that thinking too much about eco-friendly processes, ingredients and so on could cause a total shutdown of the buying process, leaving us with nothing to eat except a few nuts and grains, haha! -- but I can try to be mindful of a few dollars each week and what I buy with them. $1000 a year, that's just under $20 a week.
That's more than I'm doing now -- or, at least, I'll find out if it is.
It makes me think: how many of my choices aren't eco-friendly? I like to think of myself as an earth lover. Back in the day when I had time to do this kind of thing I made phone calls for NYPIRG drumming up support for Earth Day. I save more stuff than I have room for because I know it can be reused (probably as a children's craft) someday.
But do I pay attention to the cosmetics, the cleansers, the clothes I buy? Not really. I buy what works, what the cleaning lady tells me to, what fits and feels nice. I buy what's convenient. Coffee? Furniture? Toys? There's a whole new world of eco-friendly I haven't even thought about.
So, I'm taking the challenge. I know I tend to get obsessive about things, so I can't make myself nuts overthinking everything I buy -- I'm already reading so many labels for dairy ingredients that thinking too much about eco-friendly processes, ingredients and so on could cause a total shutdown of the buying process, leaving us with nothing to eat except a few nuts and grains, haha! -- but I can try to be mindful of a few dollars each week and what I buy with them. $1000 a year, that's just under $20 a week.
That's more than I'm doing now -- or, at least, I'll find out if it is.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Doh!
Just a quick update about my CVS Bucks I blogged about last month... I let half of it expire! Drat!
*Sigh.*
At least the coupon I let expire was the "freebie" sent to me for my birthday, not the one I "earned" with my purchases. Somehow that makes me feel better.
*Sigh.*
At least the coupon I let expire was the "freebie" sent to me for my birthday, not the one I "earned" with my purchases. Somehow that makes me feel better.
Ups and Downs
DuckyBoy has been doing really well lately -- at least at home. No word yet on the whole Citizen of the Month issue --and the assembly to announce February's winners is tomorrow so he's probably not going to get the honor this month. (But I've got the milk-free chocolate chips and nondairy shortening ready to go, when the time comes! The winners get to have lunch with the principal, and she makes chocolate chip cookies.)
It will be interesting to hear what the teachers have to say, next week at conferences, about how he's doing. It's only been a few weeks since we got the progress reports, wherein they said he was resistant to being challenged in math and they seemed put out by that.
One of the bloggers who inspired me to start, Kari at The Karianna Spectrum, just posted a book review (related to the "blog blast" last week about child's strengths) that starts by mentioning her brother's disinterest in high school math.
Now, granted, that was high school and this is kindergarten. But does it really matter if DuckyBoy is ahead of his grade level in math? Is it going to get him anything to be able to count by 20s a few months ahead of everyone else in his class?
I agree he could use a challenge at this point in the year; he knows what to expect most of the time at school and therefore is a bit weary of the whole thing. But if a math challenge doesn't jazz him, I think it's not the right challenge.
Perhaps, and I'm thinking out loud here to psych myself up for what I might suggest at parent-teacher conference next week, he could be challenged in Writing Center instead -- to write a longer story, or more complex, or on his own subject -- something like that. Hoo boy, I'd better take Husband with me. I'm very likely to chicken out at suggesting that. Teacher anxiety!!
Kari has always has been able to put into words what I am thinking, and her review of Your Child's Strengths is no exception. Her son is a year older than DuckyBoy; she writes:
I see qualities that will make him go far when he is older, but it is difficult for him to conform to societal expectations of who a first-grader should be. The exact qualities that make "spirited" children such a "burden" to their teachers are the same qualities that will help them think outside the box and be true innovators in adulthood.
That's how I often feel about DuckyBoy -- that SOME of the very qualities that frustrate his teachers and therapists are what is going to make him uniquely qualified to make HIS contribution to the world.
I try not to tell myself he will accomplish some Great Task, like cure cancer or hunger or go to Mars or some of the other outrageous things I sometimes imagine -- or he talks about, since he is, well, five, and that's what you're supposed to imagine when you're five. I've been reading about co-dependent mothers who think that way and, well, it ain't pretty. Unless you like Clay Aiken, I guess.
But anyway -- what I try to focus on is keeping an eye on the right mix of intervention and support that will enable him to function in society without losing who he is. And finding that right mix is often a murky and twisted path. (Is that a mixed metaphor? Sorry.)
I am reading Look Me in the Eye by John Robison -- thanks, Marg!! -- and he is clearly a genius in whatever area he chooses. His early life was difficult in part because he received little-to-no support for any of his ASD traits; my hope for DuckyBoy is that he will be able to accept himself for who he is earlier in life and go from there.
I also like what a complelling storyteller Robison is -- reminds me of my guy!
It will be interesting to hear what the teachers have to say, next week at conferences, about how he's doing. It's only been a few weeks since we got the progress reports, wherein they said he was resistant to being challenged in math and they seemed put out by that.
One of the bloggers who inspired me to start, Kari at The Karianna Spectrum, just posted a book review (related to the "blog blast" last week about child's strengths) that starts by mentioning her brother's disinterest in high school math.
Now, granted, that was high school and this is kindergarten. But does it really matter if DuckyBoy is ahead of his grade level in math? Is it going to get him anything to be able to count by 20s a few months ahead of everyone else in his class?
I agree he could use a challenge at this point in the year; he knows what to expect most of the time at school and therefore is a bit weary of the whole thing. But if a math challenge doesn't jazz him, I think it's not the right challenge.
Perhaps, and I'm thinking out loud here to psych myself up for what I might suggest at parent-teacher conference next week, he could be challenged in Writing Center instead -- to write a longer story, or more complex, or on his own subject -- something like that. Hoo boy, I'd better take Husband with me. I'm very likely to chicken out at suggesting that. Teacher anxiety!!
Kari has always has been able to put into words what I am thinking, and her review of Your Child's Strengths is no exception. Her son is a year older than DuckyBoy; she writes:
I see qualities that will make him go far when he is older, but it is difficult for him to conform to societal expectations of who a first-grader should be. The exact qualities that make "spirited" children such a "burden" to their teachers are the same qualities that will help them think outside the box and be true innovators in adulthood.
That's how I often feel about DuckyBoy -- that SOME of the very qualities that frustrate his teachers and therapists are what is going to make him uniquely qualified to make HIS contribution to the world.
I try not to tell myself he will accomplish some Great Task, like cure cancer or hunger or go to Mars or some of the other outrageous things I sometimes imagine -- or he talks about, since he is, well, five, and that's what you're supposed to imagine when you're five. I've been reading about co-dependent mothers who think that way and, well, it ain't pretty. Unless you like Clay Aiken, I guess.
But anyway -- what I try to focus on is keeping an eye on the right mix of intervention and support that will enable him to function in society without losing who he is. And finding that right mix is often a murky and twisted path. (Is that a mixed metaphor? Sorry.)
I am reading Look Me in the Eye by John Robison -- thanks, Marg!! -- and he is clearly a genius in whatever area he chooses. His early life was difficult in part because he received little-to-no support for any of his ASD traits; my hope for DuckyBoy is that he will be able to accept himself for who he is earlier in life and go from there.
I also like what a complelling storyteller Robison is -- reminds me of my guy!
Monday, March 3, 2008
The Weird Way My Mind Works Re: Celebrities
Sometimes I have ideas for stories they should star in. Sometimes when I read a book I imagine who should be in the movie. (I spent a lot of time in 7th grade casting The Guns of Navarone. Never saw the actual movie though.) In another life maybe I was, or will be, a casting director.
So tonight I'm reading DuckyBoy a version of The Prince and The Pauper starring Mickey Mouse. And for whatever reason, I thought it would be cool to update that story -- maybe the rich family's last name is Prince, maybe they're politicians or something --and it should star Owen Wilson. From the press he gets, I imagine he'd clean up nicely for a turn as an uncomfortable rich boy, and then love slumming it as the prince-turned-pauper.
Just remember, you read it here first.
So tonight I'm reading DuckyBoy a version of The Prince and The Pauper starring Mickey Mouse. And for whatever reason, I thought it would be cool to update that story -- maybe the rich family's last name is Prince, maybe they're politicians or something --and it should star Owen Wilson. From the press he gets, I imagine he'd clean up nicely for a turn as an uncomfortable rich boy, and then love slumming it as the prince-turned-pauper.
Just remember, you read it here first.
Dr Seuss Day
Today parents were invited to come into DuckyBoy's school and read Dr. Seuss books to the students, in as many classes as you felt comfortable with (15-minute increments, up to 4 classes).
Now, I really like to read, so I went. I should simply feel like did a good thing. yet I still feel like I shoulda done better (as my coach likes to say, "We're shoulding on ourselves again...") *Sigh.*
I just wish I wasn't the first reader in DuckyBoy's class. I would have picked a different, shorter book. I didn't know what to expect! For the second class I read to, I picked a shorter book and there was more time for discussion. I read that same shorter book to class #3 and they liked it so much they wanted an encore! (Their teacher said no.)
I also wish I'd known I could bring in my own books instead of having to choose from the ones left in the library by the time I got there. Or even that I could choose one in each classroom.
I get so ashamed that Someone will find out I don't know, that I just pick something and do something and it's not always the best choice.
I did last week try to ask who picked the books, but didn't get an answer. I only asked one person though. I could have taken in books and simply not read them if the books were preselected, but I was embarrassed. They might laugh at me if I do it wrong.
I think I have unresolved shame issues with school, don't you?
I had a good time. I just wish I could do it over again. I hate when I feel this so strongly over an issue so small. I hope DuckyBoy enjoyed having me there. He seemed to enjoy the book I read -- in fact he seemed more into it than his classmates -- so it's probably fine. I hope I do alright at not letting how I feel about the way the morning went color how he feels about it -- after all, it's not even about me, it's about him.
Updated to add: DuckyBoy did enjoy having me there. He told me as he got off the bus (always an interesting indication of what's on his mind, as he's been sitting and staring for about an hour), "You were the first reader in our room." Hopefully he meant that as a good thing, haha -- it seemed so.
He also remembered the part of the book I read that reminded him (us) of another Dr. Seuss book. The one I read, Scrambled Eggs Super!, had one page where the name of the creature rhymes with where it lives and another critter lives in almost the same place with a different name and it's hard to tell them apart --the Chiffs live on cliffs and the Chags live on crags, something like that. It reminded him of a page in one of the Dr Seuss books we own wherein a similar problem occurs. It's that "making connections thing."
Now, I really like to read, so I went. I should simply feel like did a good thing. yet I still feel like I shoulda done better (as my coach likes to say, "We're shoulding on ourselves again...") *Sigh.*
I just wish I wasn't the first reader in DuckyBoy's class. I would have picked a different, shorter book. I didn't know what to expect! For the second class I read to, I picked a shorter book and there was more time for discussion. I read that same shorter book to class #3 and they liked it so much they wanted an encore! (Their teacher said no.)
I also wish I'd known I could bring in my own books instead of having to choose from the ones left in the library by the time I got there. Or even that I could choose one in each classroom.
I get so ashamed that Someone will find out I don't know, that I just pick something and do something and it's not always the best choice.
I did last week try to ask who picked the books, but didn't get an answer. I only asked one person though. I could have taken in books and simply not read them if the books were preselected, but I was embarrassed. They might laugh at me if I do it wrong.
I think I have unresolved shame issues with school, don't you?
I had a good time. I just wish I could do it over again. I hate when I feel this so strongly over an issue so small. I hope DuckyBoy enjoyed having me there. He seemed to enjoy the book I read -- in fact he seemed more into it than his classmates -- so it's probably fine. I hope I do alright at not letting how I feel about the way the morning went color how he feels about it -- after all, it's not even about me, it's about him.
Updated to add: DuckyBoy did enjoy having me there. He told me as he got off the bus (always an interesting indication of what's on his mind, as he's been sitting and staring for about an hour), "You were the first reader in our room." Hopefully he meant that as a good thing, haha -- it seemed so.
He also remembered the part of the book I read that reminded him (us) of another Dr. Seuss book. The one I read, Scrambled Eggs Super!, had one page where the name of the creature rhymes with where it lives and another critter lives in almost the same place with a different name and it's hard to tell them apart --the Chiffs live on cliffs and the Chags live on crags, something like that. It reminded him of a page in one of the Dr Seuss books we own wherein a similar problem occurs. It's that "making connections thing."
