We had a wonderful Saturday yesterday, we walked all over. The weather was beautiful and so we went for bagels, to a far-away playground, and even ran an errand at our accountant's office. What a nice way for the three 3 of us to spend the afternoon.
The sermon today was about resting on the Sabbath -- looking back, it felt like yesterday was that kind of day for us.
Today did not feel like that kind of day. We schlepped on the subway to the Brooklyn church because we had an obligation; my favorite part was seeing 2 young men enjoy DuckyBoy's sheer joy and boundless energy on the subway. It clearly brightened their day to watch a little boy having so much fun. One even asked him, "Could I have half your energy?" It was really cute.
Now I have to face up to some trust issues in my relationship that I've put off for a long time. Although, does it count as putting it off if you didn't know what it was until yesterday?
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Church and Autism, Part 3
The church we have been attending (more on that wording later) has just released a newly revised set of guidelines for playing in the gym after church. They have published guidelines several times, and each time they get more restrictive in the name of safety.
Among them are:
2. While the trike age is a bit arbitrary - why K and not 1st grade? or why not use a weight or age guideline? - I do understand it on 2 levels. One, several of the the much-bigger boys (age 11 or so) like to commandeer the trikes and are a nuisance for the littlest kids in the room. Two, choosing K was probaly an easy call in that the weekday school those trikes are there for goes up to kindergarten.
Unfortunately, though, one of the main things DB likes about the gym is riding the trikes and scooters.
And, as Husband pointed out, using the age of the school as the rule inverts the way the relationship between the school and the church is supposed to be: The school is supposed to support the church, not vice-versa.
3. Closing at 1 is probably because the paid church staff is supposed to be able to lock up and go home at 1. (That's my theory anyway.) Last week was a lovely February day so people lingered until after 2 in the outdoor playground. So deputize one of the parents to lock up!
4. If someone can be there to police the rules at the door, um... why can't there be someone there? The wording was odd on that anyway--"staff and church school volunteers will no longer be available..." As far as I know there never was anyone scheduled to be there. When DB would go to the gym before we had finished speaking with people at coffee hour, I knew he was there "at his own risk," as it were.
Frankly, the main reason I'm not going to service this week is because I don't want to break the rules, again, on the first day they are announced. If safety is really the primary concern, just don't even open the gym.
I don't want DB to be the exception, the one first-grader on the trikes. And I don't want to have to pick between 2 separate after-church events:
But we're too far away to spearhead the kind of meetings that requires. We're also not part of the local-school crowd. It's going to be harder for us to make friends with the other parents because we have less in common. (Now that I think of it, you'd think that raising our kids as Christians would be a common factor, right? Not a lot of openness there about issues like that.)
Frankly, we only came back to this church because we wanted to be somewhere, and haven't found one closer to home yet. But this isn't the way to be family friendly. (And, I'm sure it's parents, church members, who keep revising these rules!)
I know churches aren't perfect. We just need one where the 3 of us can all live with the imperfections.
Among them are:
- No more scooters.
- The trikes are for "kindergarten and younger."
- The gym will close at 1 pm.
- While no paid or volunteer personnel will be on hand to supervise, there will be a volunteer at the door to remind everyone of the rules.
2. While the trike age is a bit arbitrary - why K and not 1st grade? or why not use a weight or age guideline? - I do understand it on 2 levels. One, several of the the much-bigger boys (age 11 or so) like to commandeer the trikes and are a nuisance for the littlest kids in the room. Two, choosing K was probaly an easy call in that the weekday school those trikes are there for goes up to kindergarten.
Unfortunately, though, one of the main things DB likes about the gym is riding the trikes and scooters.
And, as Husband pointed out, using the age of the school as the rule inverts the way the relationship between the school and the church is supposed to be: The school is supposed to support the church, not vice-versa.
3. Closing at 1 is probably because the paid church staff is supposed to be able to lock up and go home at 1. (That's my theory anyway.) Last week was a lovely February day so people lingered until after 2 in the outdoor playground. So deputize one of the parents to lock up!
4. If someone can be there to police the rules at the door, um... why can't there be someone there? The wording was odd on that anyway--"staff and church school volunteers will no longer be available..." As far as I know there never was anyone scheduled to be there. When DB would go to the gym before we had finished speaking with people at coffee hour, I knew he was there "at his own risk," as it were.
Frankly, the main reason I'm not going to service this week is because I don't want to break the rules, again, on the first day they are announced. If safety is really the primary concern, just don't even open the gym.
I don't want DB to be the exception, the one first-grader on the trikes. And I don't want to have to pick between 2 separate after-church events:
- Coffee hour for those without children and those whose children want to sit at the child tables and have a child-approved snack. (Children are not allowed to take the food from the "adult" coffee hour tables; DB almost had his wrist slapped by the paid church staffer who sets up coffee hour, and she is is entirely unapologetic about shooing the kids from that food. They are given goldfish and animal crackers and that is good enough for them.)
- And an after-church open play in the gym for parents of Those Other Children who need to run around. No food, no coffee.
But we're too far away to spearhead the kind of meetings that requires. We're also not part of the local-school crowd. It's going to be harder for us to make friends with the other parents because we have less in common. (Now that I think of it, you'd think that raising our kids as Christians would be a common factor, right? Not a lot of openness there about issues like that.)
Frankly, we only came back to this church because we wanted to be somewhere, and haven't found one closer to home yet. But this isn't the way to be family friendly. (And, I'm sure it's parents, church members, who keep revising these rules!)
I know churches aren't perfect. We just need one where the 3 of us can all live with the imperfections.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Church and Autism, Part 2
Anon's comment on my previous Church and Autism post was harsher than necessary (congrats! you're my very first flame!) but did open my eyes a bit. I posted because I was already feeling judged and misunderstood, so your tone did not help with that, but you did raise an issue worth addressing in my heart.
I don't see where in my previous post I say that the rules don't apply to me because my child has autism. In fact, I have always been a frightened rules-follower. But Husband takes a more cavalier approach to life's man-made, small guidelines, which has in fact helped me lead a more enjoyable life in some cases ... and in others, such as this one, puts me in a bit of a bind.
I also think the supervision issue is primarily an insurance/CYA matter; this way the church cannot be held liable for any injuries.
I also probably wrote the situation to sound more black-and-white than it really is. The older kids are only partially supervised in the gym; their parents tend to wander in and then back out (if they come in at all until it's time to leave). DB is on the cusp of needing constant supervision, and since he is a responsible, articulate child, and also not a bully who is ever aggressive toward the other children, we trust him. The two rooms are not so far apart that it's a major problem to get between them. But they are far enough that other than parents, adult flow between them is limited. If we want or need to speak with people who do not have a child in the gym, it can't happen.
The other part of our reason for letting him be there without us is that most other times, I am constantly with DB. And sometimes I would like to be with my husband -- such as when mingling with the people we know at church. The church is too far from our home to participate in many events other than worship, so our primary chance to connect with the community is from 12 to 1 on Sundays, during the coffee hour. (I could go on at length about that whole issue of finding a church closer to home, but won't right now.)
The reason I posted is because I do think something needs to be done. I don't want people to have to bend over backwards to accommodate him. And now there is a pattern of issues -- one thing here and there, I'd be ok. But as I outlined in my post, there now seems to be several areas where his behavior is problematic. This upsets me and I don't have an answer, nor did I find one when I looked around on the web.
In fact, as I've given it more thought, I realize some of these issues are being addressed during the school day as well, so would benefit from follow-up in this structed setting as well.
My one idea: I thought I'd see if any teens/tweens at the church have to do community service for their school, and could log those hours as a "buddy" for DB during the church service and gym time. I can make a list of specific things for them to help him with, including...
I don't see where in my previous post I say that the rules don't apply to me because my child has autism. In fact, I have always been a frightened rules-follower. But Husband takes a more cavalier approach to life's man-made, small guidelines, which has in fact helped me lead a more enjoyable life in some cases ... and in others, such as this one, puts me in a bit of a bind.
I also think the supervision issue is primarily an insurance/CYA matter; this way the church cannot be held liable for any injuries.
I also probably wrote the situation to sound more black-and-white than it really is. The older kids are only partially supervised in the gym; their parents tend to wander in and then back out (if they come in at all until it's time to leave). DB is on the cusp of needing constant supervision, and since he is a responsible, articulate child, and also not a bully who is ever aggressive toward the other children, we trust him. The two rooms are not so far apart that it's a major problem to get between them. But they are far enough that other than parents, adult flow between them is limited. If we want or need to speak with people who do not have a child in the gym, it can't happen.
The other part of our reason for letting him be there without us is that most other times, I am constantly with DB. And sometimes I would like to be with my husband -- such as when mingling with the people we know at church. The church is too far from our home to participate in many events other than worship, so our primary chance to connect with the community is from 12 to 1 on Sundays, during the coffee hour. (I could go on at length about that whole issue of finding a church closer to home, but won't right now.)
The reason I posted is because I do think something needs to be done. I don't want people to have to bend over backwards to accommodate him. And now there is a pattern of issues -- one thing here and there, I'd be ok. But as I outlined in my post, there now seems to be several areas where his behavior is problematic. This upsets me and I don't have an answer, nor did I find one when I looked around on the web.
In fact, as I've given it more thought, I realize some of these issues are being addressed during the school day as well, so would benefit from follow-up in this structed setting as well.
My one idea: I thought I'd see if any teens/tweens at the church have to do community service for their school, and could log those hours as a "buddy" for DB during the church service and gym time. I can make a list of specific things for them to help him with, including...
- Don't blurt out the answer during the children's sermon
- Take a walk during Sunday School if he needs a break so he's not disrupting the other kids
- Help him understand the nuances of playing superhereo with older kids (If you say, "Let's play superheroes," the villains are going to chase you!)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Autism and Church
I wonder if my other blog should shift from Autism and Public Schools, which many people advocate and talk about and research so much better than me, to Autism and Church.
I stumbled across this idea this evening... of a focus on Autism at a church service on February 8th. I wonder if my church might be open to it.
As part of it, I would be willing to --actually, relieved to -- speak and say that DB has autism and how that manifests itself in the way he acts and thinks at church. (Wonder if Husband would be open to that...)
There is another child at church with autism and other more severe disabilities as well, which might be eye-opening for our congregation to see the spectrum.
This was our experience today:
Toward the beginning of the service, DB said "Amen" after the Lord's Prayer, and I thought how funny it is that someone who overheard him might think he was saying "Amen" to the prayer. In fact, I know he was correcting the pronunciation -- most everyone near us said "ah-men" and he prefers "ay-men".
Then during the children's sermon, as usual he was unable to keep from blurting out the answers when the minister asks them all a question. (Someone has actually commented to Husband about this. Someone with a well-behaved, hand-raising child of course.)
At least he only eyed up the communion elements as he walked past and did not try to take any. Whew!
In his Sunday School class, DuckyBoy does well sometimes and other times not, and the teacher rotates so no one quite knows how to deal with him. They are wonderful moms with good hearts but the best they can do is tolerate him for the 30 minutes. I know he's disruptive, today I get the impression he was intractible. (He's been "off" the past few days anyway, and , I forgot his snack.) He also told me tonight a boy in class told him he was a baby, or playing with a baby toy, he described what he was playing with but I don't know what it was. On the upside, he reconnected with his old friend K., and they drew pictures for each other (the project was to draw for a secret pal in the class and give them the artwork, and apparently they picked each other.)
He flat-out tells the beautifully-voiced soprano who volunteers her time to sing with them that he doesn't like her, her voice, etc. *Sigh.*
DB also got us in an embarrassing situation today after church. Kids are allowed to play in the gym during coffee hour, but, well I'll admit it, they are supposed to be supervised by their parents. He has always been good about coming to get us when he needs us, but today he got a little hurt or something ( I still don't know if it was physical or his feelings that got hurt) and while one mom tried to comfort him, another came to get us.
And, well, she had a few patronizing words for us, too, about how we "might want to keep an eye on him" ... "because he likes to play with the bigger kids and yadda yadda" and "I try to keep an eye on him because my son is there too" and "I think he's hungry" and I think Husband wanted to strangle her. (Edited to add: Later on, Husband was grateful she'd come to get us.)
Anyway, today's experience made me look around a bit on the web. Preliminary search turns up a few drips and drabs -- like a good article from 2002 about a mom and her young child, a Dad's heartfelt post that rang true for me, and a decent-sounding book, Autism and Your Church, though it may be more for my children's ministry coordinator than me.
Since I said an hour ago I was going to go to bed and since tomorrow is The Grind Begins Again Day with the 6 AM alarm, I will cease research for the night. But it's not like I came up with anything that covers the topic extensively. I think there might be a place for me.
I stumbled across this idea this evening... of a focus on Autism at a church service on February 8th. I wonder if my church might be open to it.
As part of it, I would be willing to --actually, relieved to -- speak and say that DB has autism and how that manifests itself in the way he acts and thinks at church. (Wonder if Husband would be open to that...)
There is another child at church with autism and other more severe disabilities as well, which might be eye-opening for our congregation to see the spectrum.
This was our experience today:
Toward the beginning of the service, DB said "Amen" after the Lord's Prayer, and I thought how funny it is that someone who overheard him might think he was saying "Amen" to the prayer. In fact, I know he was correcting the pronunciation -- most everyone near us said "ah-men" and he prefers "ay-men".
Then during the children's sermon, as usual he was unable to keep from blurting out the answers when the minister asks them all a question. (Someone has actually commented to Husband about this. Someone with a well-behaved, hand-raising child of course.)
At least he only eyed up the communion elements as he walked past and did not try to take any. Whew!
In his Sunday School class, DuckyBoy does well sometimes and other times not, and the teacher rotates so no one quite knows how to deal with him. They are wonderful moms with good hearts but the best they can do is tolerate him for the 30 minutes. I know he's disruptive, today I get the impression he was intractible. (He's been "off" the past few days anyway, and , I forgot his snack.) He also told me tonight a boy in class told him he was a baby, or playing with a baby toy, he described what he was playing with but I don't know what it was. On the upside, he reconnected with his old friend K., and they drew pictures for each other (the project was to draw for a secret pal in the class and give them the artwork, and apparently they picked each other.)
He flat-out tells the beautifully-voiced soprano who volunteers her time to sing with them that he doesn't like her, her voice, etc. *Sigh.*
DB also got us in an embarrassing situation today after church. Kids are allowed to play in the gym during coffee hour, but, well I'll admit it, they are supposed to be supervised by their parents. He has always been good about coming to get us when he needs us, but today he got a little hurt or something ( I still don't know if it was physical or his feelings that got hurt) and while one mom tried to comfort him, another came to get us.
And, well, she had a few patronizing words for us, too, about how we "might want to keep an eye on him" ... "because he likes to play with the bigger kids and yadda yadda" and "I try to keep an eye on him because my son is there too" and "I think he's hungry" and I think Husband wanted to strangle her. (Edited to add: Later on, Husband was grateful she'd come to get us.)
Anyway, today's experience made me look around a bit on the web. Preliminary search turns up a few drips and drabs -- like a good article from 2002 about a mom and her young child, a Dad's heartfelt post that rang true for me, and a decent-sounding book, Autism and Your Church, though it may be more for my children's ministry coordinator than me.
Since I said an hour ago I was going to go to bed and since tomorrow is The Grind Begins Again Day with the 6 AM alarm, I will cease research for the night. But it's not like I came up with anything that covers the topic extensively. I think there might be a place for me.
