The Ugly Duckling

From just before age 3 till at least or almost 4, DuckyBoy's favorite movie was The Ugly Duckling, given to us by DuckyBoy's pre-preschool ABA teacher (who wasn't really very ABA but that's another story). He used to watch it every day we'd let him, and more than once if we'd let him.

It wasn't long before I got the metaphor loud and clear -- my son IS the Ugly Duckling, and it very well may not be until he grows up until he finds his place.

He hasn't watched it in many months -- but is home sick today and asked to put it on. It doesn't hold his attention so much any more, which is a wonder that it ever did since there are few wheeled items and, horror of horror, musical numbers with very little action. But still, it's playing in the background while he plays a computer game. (And, just now, making up a little song that rhymes, mind you, about how much he loves the game.)

And so, the day after we reviewed his kindergarten progress report en famille, I am thinking again about how he does not quite fit in with the school regimen. Husband and I were surprised that he received "at grade level" marks in computer and science.

Did I mention he's playing computer games On.His.Own.Laptop? How is he not above grade level in this subject?

And the kid knows more than I do about electromagnetics and everything else there's a Magic School Bus book about. How is he not above grade level in science?

I'll have to wait until conference on Thursday to ask. It could be that waaaaay more is expected of kindergartners these days than I think. But it also may have something to do with the curriculum being presented, the way in which they are asked to learn about it, or the way in which they are asked to repeat the knowledge they've gained. But this much is true: Something doesn't fit.

I feel at risk for being One Of Thoooose Parents ... you know, the ones who demand My Little Genius be given full credit for all the intelligence We Know He Has!

But the way I see it, he's in a program that's supposed to be teaching him in such a way to use his strengths and develop his weaknesses. I hear about the development of weaknesses and see improvements in those areas. So I'd like to ask why it doesn't look like his strengths are being maximized.

Whatever the shortfall is, maybe those are areas we all can work on:

* If the subject matter is too basic, maybe I can help by explaining to him how, say, 3D shapes are important to know for, say, planning the trajectory of a Mars rover.

* If the way the material is presented bores him, maybe he needs a fidget or a reward for sitting through it.

* If the way they're asked to repeat what they've learned is the sticking point, maybe there is a need to experiment with other modes of "testing" --as far as I know there aren't tests per se in kindergarten but maybe there are alternatives to whatever they're being asked to do. (If it's color and write words, for example, those are his toughest areas. Maybe he could bring it home, or fill in blanks, or choose from multiple choice.)

The only other area where he was below grade level was for "Writes daily." No surprise there. He comes up with great stories; he just hates writing them down. I know the actual process of forming letters and spelling words is a chore for DuckyBoy; don't know how to solve that one but maybe I can put my head together with the teachers. At least I can suggest that maybe this is something that needs to be addressed on his IEP, instead of something that needs to be endured by him (and by them-- they set a timer and, I imagine, have to babysit him during that whole time).

I'm confident my ugly duckling is going to be fine as an adult. I just don't want him to feel bad about himself in the meantime for things that are differences, not faults. I don't want him to lose those strengths, like storytelling, imagination, and curiosity -- due to sheer disinterest in the way he has to do those things at school.

What Are DuckyBoy's Strengths?

Ooo, now this is eerie. A God-incidence, perhaps? Something I stumbled across while perusing blogs is a perfect fit with my family's thoughts today.

DuckyBoy's dad was just telling me this morning that he heard a study saying a high percentage of kindergarteners have a clear area of skill they're really good at, like words or math, and as kids get older the percentage who still have something they're really good at drops by a lot. He was musing on what if there were a school that really focused on DuckyBoy's strengths, like with words, and just taught him the basics of math -- you know, enough to get by but not making him crazy with trig or other things he'll never use if it's not his thing.

And then I sat down at the computer and remembered it's the last day to participate in a so-called "blast" about children's strengths by a group called the Parent Bloggers Network. (As near as I can define it, a "blast" means you all post on the same subject.) Turns out this one is in collaboration with an author named Jenifer Fox, who from her bio I'd also call an education expert. She is leader of something called the The Strengths Movement in Schools. Which deals with this very issue.

(Frankly, they had me at "Hello. Write about your child's strengths." So this is just overwhelming!) So, here I go.

A big thing I think will really serve him well in his life is his strength at making connections: "This (new) thing is like that other thing I already know..." or "This has X in common with that."

Back in August I tried to explain this strength of his to our old (as in no longer at the school) social worker when she was at our house for the kindergarten intake interview. So after I said, "He's good at making connections between things" she said, "Oh, he likes to build things?" *Sigh.* How as I going to dumb it down enough for her? Not sure I did -- you either get it or you don't.

Anyway, so that wasn't one of her strengths...

Another of Duckyboy's is his memory. It's a bit of a cliche for someone with Aspergers to have this. (Aside: He doesn't officially have Aspergers but his NDP calls him "Aspergers-ish"; the way I see it, he didn't talk early so she can't check every box that officially fits the condition, but he tends that way on the spectrum.) He can hear a book once and, the next time through, correct you if you get a word wrong. This is selective, however -- does he remember his socks go in the hamper? No. Does he remember the homework assignment from the top of the page to the bottom? Not always. So I don't think he's a photographic-memory capital-G Genius, like Rainman, but he's got a good memory.

It's cool when something happens like, he knows the President has a family because we saw a photo of them 10 minutes before -- a photo (and conversation) I'd already forgotten. It's less cool (for both of us) when he's trying to make me repeat or remember something we did together -- "You know, the make-a-snowman? We called it doggie glue? It was homework..." *Sigh.* Oh well, I figure those situations give him a chance to strengthen his patience; he's given me a very good description, I just still can't remember. I reassured him his father struggles with me on that too.

I think his memory also helps him learn new skills; his dislike of being told what to do counteracts it, but his ability to remember what he's been told about the right way to behave (at school, especially) certainly works in his favor. The social-stories books that his ST writes help with that since they offer a visual reinforcement.

Which is another strength, compared to me at least: He notices visual details. He made a drawing of Donald Duck last week that, while doesn't exactly look like Donald Duck, captures the details, right down to the 2 buttons on his shirt and the 3 parts of his hat: the brim, the top poufy part, and the little pointy ribbon.

Next, I'd say verbal skills. The guy uses words and phrases you'd never expect from a 5-year-old. And he uses them correctly, a fact his teachers corroborate. It's more common on the spectrum to find a kid using big words but incorrectly; he does that sometimes, but I think the reason is more that, well, he's five for pete's sake. Even geniuses (not that I'm saying he is one, I'm just making a point) must have some learning curve!

His use of words goes over many people's heads; they simply cannot fathom that a small child is speaking to them the way he does.

Now, this does let some of his spectrum-ness show; he'll launch into a full explanation of whatever he's currently doing to whomever happens to cross this path. For example, he told the 2nd-most-harried mom in our building this morning, "I am the President of the United States." She, being in the midst of wheeling her child to his school bus, can't be blamed for giving him a rather blank look. He told her daughter yesterday, and it was Urgent! Urgent! that he Tell.Her.Right.Now! as she was leaving the building to get on her own school bus. DuckyBoy poked his head out the door, actually called her name, and said, "They're having a Powerful Person Day at my school tomorrow and I'm going to be the President." Poor kid (she's a teen); she looked momentarily flummoxed and then... just... got on her bus. I'm not sure I would have known what else to do either!

I never know what he's going to do when this stuff happens; I don't want to "shush" him, so I just tell him afterwards that it wasn't a good time since the bus was waiting. Any hints on future handlings welcome...

But I digress. Another strength: Duckyboy's imagination and creativity in telling stories. He can spin a great tale, though he goes so fast I can barely follow them sometimes, let alone remember the whole complicated thing long enough to write it down.

It's no wonder he abhors it when my stories (which can be pretty good, if I do say so myself) take a turn for the pedantic --"And then the duck didn't listen to his mommy so he didn't get to eat dessert. The End."

He's also creative about describing things he's going to invent in the future. That's fun to listen to -- machines that fly, drive for you, ignore red lights. This is a popular pastime while we're driving on QB!

Finally, I'd say that he is a surprisingly good traveler. Especially for a kid on the autistic spectrum, who craves routine and sameness (usually), he is interested in new places and experiences (usually).

Well, this lacks the detailed examples that I wish it had, but maybe I'll think of those later and add them in. I wonder what tells me about my strengths.